It has been ages since I’ve journaled. Not since my private screed about Mason’s lie last Wednesday. I’ve been working on dealing with my emotional hangover, as my therapist put it, ever since.
Mason lies and evades in order to keep from getting into trouble. He does it effortlessly, almost without awareness that what he says is a lie. It is a sick behavior and it disgusts me. Yet I married him for better or for worse. I have to find some way to deal with the lies while he ostensibly “works on” overcoming this.
I say “ostensibly” because he lies not just to me but to other friends, people he has worked with and even his shrink. What the point is of wasting money lying to a shrink, I don’t know. We saw his shrink this week together and she said that with his lying, his therapy was not going to be at all effective. She said that although he was sober, he was still behaving like an addict. It hit me then that I had a big problem on my hands.
At that moment the lying behavior made sense, so to speak. My old shrink had said that if you get involved with an addict, you’ve got to be prepared to let lies enter your life. The whole lying, self-deluding, self-pitying, nonproductive cycle that I had been witnessing is truly the behavior of an addict. So we are back to that demon again, even though he is not using.
I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of being involved with an addict. Addiction seems like such a lack of inner fortitude…an inability to deal with one’s own demons in a manner that does not involve escapism. Addicts are also generally nonproductive, self-pitying and self-centered, as well as overwhelmingly unpredictable because of their lying and evasiveness. Not something one goes looking for. I thought that after he stopped using the worst would be behind us. Alas no. We are still in the thick of it, I’m afraid.
His shrink recommended either a life coach to intensify his therapeutic work or a partial program. I was like, “partial program?!” Holy shit! He took it all in pretty blase, truthfully. Only later did I discover that he was fronting and didn’t understand what a partial program actually was.
Oh he is contrite, so very contrite. Yet his contrition no more moves him to act than does his self-flagellation. He acts only if I escalate, cry and threaten. As such, his therapist put me in charge of “kicking his ass” this week. I don’t like it. As a matter of fact, I hate it. It makes me feel like my own mother with the raised voice and the ultimatums. It certainly does not make him seem like a partner to me. I’ve been feeling like the only grown up in the house for so long that I don’t need to do anything more to reinforce this image. I cannot continue this job as ass-kicker. I will tell his doctor next week.
Surprisingly, I am doing a lot better. I’m more organized and focused. I feel as though I can think again. I’m making plans for my research with Kenyette and I feel,,,I dunno…charged, I guess. Perhaps this is why my recent drama with Mason has really frustrated me. I need him to be an adult partner to me so that I can stay on course. But as recent behavior has shown, he is so not ready. I’ve got to be patient. I hope that one day we will get this marriage partnership right, but for now…I’ve got to accept the imbalance.
There is a lot to accept in marriage, isn’t there?