Doing The Next Right Thing
It has been hard for me to write these past couple of weeks. I’ve gotten into quite the funk. I didn’t post about it but I just had another failed IVF cycle last week. We went to retrieval with my one pitiful follicle and for the third time had no egg upon retrieval. Of course in the past week, I had to cope with 3 people telling me that they are pregnant. Unfortunately all I can think about is that I’m not pregnant. Upon seeing my dear friend Marina well into her pregnancy yesterday, I just burst into tears again. This is becoming a very bad habit.
I’ve slipped into having pity parties for myself. I mean geez louise, people who weren’t even trying to get pregnant are getting pregnant, and I have to struggle unsuccessfully as usual. It seems as though struggle has been a major feature of my life. Everything has been a struggle. When does something get to go right for me without major drama? Am I living out some curse from another life?
And you know what? The minute I start thinking about being cursed, the more I know that it is time to see my shrink(s), because Liana the Irrational is speaking again. I’m heading to Nuttyville.
I am currently in the freaked out state of deciding on continuing to try more IVF or to move on to donor eggs, something I never really wanted to do, but that I am increasingly faced with as my ovaries remain uncooperative. I developed such a feeling of panic after the last failed retrieval that everything was swirling. I had more irrational thoughts like if I use donor eggs, the baby will be more attached to Mason because s/he will be genetically connected to him but not to me. And I know how illogical that sounds, but this is the type of lunacy that I am plagued by right now.
But then I went to my S-Anon group and someone’s sharing really helped me. “When everything seems out of control and your mind is racing overtime trying to fix the problem, you need to step back, surrender the chaos and focus on doing the next right thing.” Doing the next right thing. That is what is keeping me from going completely out of control right now. I just focus on what I need to do right now, be it finishing my research poster that I presented yesterday at the Society for Adolescent Medicine meeting here in LA, or getting out and continuing to exercise, to taking more steps in my job search. One task at a time. One focus at a time.
Today I spoke to a headhunter about a position at Merck. It sounded nice, though not completely in line with my research interests. I debated whether I should be straight with the headhunter or not. As I focused, I listened to my body and found that the idea of not letting the recruiter know my ideal job wants felt panicky and wrong. Being my usual straight self felt right. So I let her know what research areas I would love to add to the job. Interestingly, she said that she has seen companies craft positions around a strong candidate’s interests. And I am a strong candidate. She’s going to speak to Merck and get back to me on Monday. Doing the next right thing was a positive in this situation.
I also met one of the adolescent docs from LA this evening as I sat outside with my laptop hacking into the hotel’s wireless LAN (not such a right thing). I shared about the struggles I have faced in the past year and how frustrated I am that I’ve not been able to have a child. It ended up turning into a great talk about surrendering that which is out of one’s control and having faith that the right path will be revealed in time. I’ve never been very patient and most of the time, I’ve made my successes in life come from pure force of will. But this year’s struggles have not been those that can be changed by force of will. They are not completely under my control. Thus surrendering is the right action.
I listened to my friend speak of her surrender, her faith, and her belief that God’s will is beautiful. My faith has never been that strong. I’ve always believed that God could use a bit of my assistance…always. More delusions of control. As I sat there, I was moved by her serenity and peace, where my feelings have been in utter turmoil. She doesn’t have everything she wants in life, but she is so secure in her faith and hope for her future. I want to reach such a place in my lifetime.
Peace, stillness, happiness are all concepts that have never been major parts of my life. As I mentioned before, my life has been constant struggle. Perhaps this is the problem. I struggle too hard when I should just surrender. Struggle against what is not in your control is tiresome and tiring. And I am so very weary.
I don’t know what I should do about having a baby. But right now, today, I know that I can just do the next right thing in my life and soon the right decision will become clear.
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