Atypical Woman – Part II
want to thank you all for your thoughtful replies to my screed on being an atypical woman. Even if we do not agree, my belief is that one should respect another’s choices as long as no one is being harmed. And the sanctimonious “When you’re a mother, you’ll understand,” line is not respectful or fair.
One of the things that has always gotten to me with regard to the SAHM issue is that the last word in the acronym is “mother” and not “parent.” I have never been one to be comfortable to gender roles. My having a uterus doesn’t make me the better parent. My husband’s having a penis doesn’t make him the better provider. But somehow many ascribe to the belief that parenting is a mother’s skill and providing income is a father’s domain. Is that the way most people see it?
One of my friends is a black woman who chose to be a SAHM. Now I’ve never done an official study, but I’ve known a lot fewer black women who are SAHMs than white women. In truth, I’ve never known a sista to be part of the Stepford Cult of Mommies. The sista-mom’s I know are just somehow different. Whether this is our acculturation, I do not know. But I have noted differences.
But back to my friend. She went to Yale with me and then graduated from Columbia’s law school. She married a doctor, had a child and then opted to stay home with said child. I was a bit stunned since this was my first black SAHM that I had encountered. I asked her about her choice to not use her law degree, etc. and she explained that she didn’t want a nanny raising her children. I’ve never been clear on this argument since we grew up with housekeepers who took care of us when our parents were at work, but never confused the housekeeper with our mother or father. But in any event, OK, this was her choice. “Children should be raised by mothers and not caretakers,” she continued. Of course the egalitarian feminist in me had to ask, “Shouldn’t children be raised by parents?”
“Of course,” she replied briskly, “that’s what I meant.” But see, I’m not sure she did. I think that she honestly meant that mothers were the ideal person for the job, not fathers. So I asked about her husband and his contact with the baby.
“Well, he works a lot so he leaves before the baby gets up and the baby is asleep before he returns at night. He also has to work nights and weekends a lot. So he doesn’t see the baby as much as he would like.”
Now that made me feel badly for her husband. Assuming that he wanted to be a parent as much as she did, he is really getting short shrift in the arrangement because he has to work like crazy to be a breadwinner and she gets to enjoy all the parenting without his being around. Is this really fair? If marriage is about partnership, shouldn’t partners be involved in raising the children together?
And what is it about fathers that they seem to be so expendable? It is like their role is to provide the income and perhaps to “help” in parenting, but not for parenting to be as much of their role as it is for the woman. Who creates this marginalization, and to what end? Were I a father like my friend’s husband, I would be upset that I get short shrift with my child, as my main responsibility is to earn money for the family.
I suggested to my friend that perhaps if she worked part-time, her husband could pull back on his work hours and thus have more time to spend with the baby. This could be win-win for them as parents. Yet she wouldn’t hear of it. “The baby needs his mother,” she replied. That’s it. End of story. No egalitarianism for her. Mommy is the requirement for parenting (well it should be mothering) and Daddy need only be there for respite care.
And that is an attitude that rankles with me. For as long as I can remember (back when I was trying to join the National Organization for Women as an 8 year old), I hated role characterizations based on sex. When we learned that men had more muscle mass, the guys all walked around talking about how they were stronger and would “protect” us girls. I seethed. Greater muscle mass doesn’t necessarily protect anyone from a well-placed bullet. We live in a society where brute force is not as important as brainpower in most occupations, and as such, people shouldn’t be limited or marginalized based on gender.
With regard to parenting, I put my politics where my mouth is. No my husband can’t carry a pregnancy or breastfeed, but he can be a wonderful, nurturing, loving parent. And I would not wish to deprive him of the opportunity to be the parent he wants to be. I told him a long time ago that though I do not have the biology to be a SAHM, if he wants to be a SAHF, and we can swing it financially, more power to him. I will not resent him or begrudge him this decision. This marriage has to be a partnership. We both must allow the other to be the person we are comfortable being.
Now many feminists give lip service to the idea of SAHFs. They say that they will support it because it feels egalitarian to espouse this philosophy, but deep down in their heart of hearts, many still see that the man is (or should be) the primary breadwinner. They would not respect their husband’s choice to leave investment banking in order to attend Mommy and Me classes (and isn’t the very name of the class more evidence that parenting is the woman’s domain.) But from where I sit, if I have the choice of being a SAHM or a working mom, my husband should also have the choice of being a SAHF or a working father. Again my having a uterus or him a penis should not influence who assumes what role. We have to do what feels natural for us both.
Yes, I am well aware that in many situations, the man’s income is greater than the woman’s income and that drives who remains at home. But again, it doesn’t have to be a simple income based split. It could be about part time work on both parts so that both parents could have time to spend parenting. There are ways this could be worked out if both parents were equally devoted to hand-on, time intensive parenting. Yet that is the big “if.” Clearly my friend I spoke about above was not interested in parent-based (as opposed to Mommy-based) parenting. Again, it is her right to do as she sees fit. Yet she should be clear that essentially only she is parenting while her husband is providing. And she should be willing to admit that in her belief, the woman is the better parent. That was abundantly clear from her “babies need their Mommies,” position. If that is your position, respect to you. Be upfront about your belief and don’t try espouse both positions (meaning that the rarely seen fathers are important as well), when your actions say differently. Everyone has a right to his/her beliefs. I will not judge you for openly espousing yours, no matter how different they are from mine (unless they involved hurting people, etc.)
Now let me turn to some of the comments I received with my last post on this subject.
Breastfeeding: My breastfeeding issue is a phobia. Definition of phobia: an irrational fear of something. Clearly I understand that my issue is indeed irrational. I am not proud of it. But I will work through the phobia for at least 2 months because as a pediatrician, I know that it is better for the baby. Now if this desensitization works, wonderful, I will continue longer, though I will not continue until the kid asks for titty milk with his/her cookies.
SAHM/Crack whore dyad: OK, clearly this raised some ire in people. Though my mother did not respect the choice of SAHM for her daughters, she did not demean or denigrate women who made this choice. Clearly she didn’t understand why anyone would make such a choice, as for her fiscal stability was her primary concern throughout her life (much as you hear many men espouse). She seemed to see the decision to be a SAHM as being a foolish willingness to put your fiscal future into another person’s hands. And as a control freak, this was something she was not at all willing to do. The worst thing my mother could experience was something unexpected. At least feeling fiscally sound made her feel less vulnerable for herself and her children.
As for me, I also don’t understand the choice to be a SAHM, but as I said before, I don’t have to. The only choices I need to understand are my own. And (can’t resist saying this) some of my best friends are SAHMs. Whatever makes them happy. We all have choices in this world and none of us are cut from the same cloth, thus our choices will be different. And we all must accept the consequences of those choices, whatever they are.
Important point Chris mentioned: Parenting is a pretty important job. You’re turning out little human beings here and what you do to them now will affect their whole lives. So when someone does something different, not only does it seem like they aren’t affirming your decision, it seems like they’re saying you’ll screw up your kid. And of course, if you’re like most mothers, you secretly wonder if you are no matter how good of a job you do.
Now part of this I get. I really do. The part I have problems with, not just in this context, but as people apply it in other facets of life is this issue of the meaning of difference. My Mom was one of those people who believed there was her way and the wrong way. That irked me for most of my sentient life with her, yet I didn’t know how to express it very well. It wasn’t until I went through a Myers-Briggs session that I learned to verbalize that different isn’t necessarily wrong. Different is just different. Different styles can lead to the same result: success. Man, that was liberating after all my years of thinking that I was just weird or wrong when compared to my mother’s way of approaching issues. I simply have a different style.
However, I notice that many people still live in my mother’s “my way or the highway” viewpoint. If you don’t agree with me, do it my way, or share my values then you are wrong, period. I can’t get with that limited black/white approach to life. I’ve always existed in the grays. And just because someone chooses something different, it doesn’t mean one of us is wrong. That is an incorrect conclusion from the data.
There are many routes that we can take to get to the same place. We need to avoid looking at those traveling on different routes as somehow negatively judging our own choice of route. By now, we should be adult enough to avoid being so easily threatened by difference. Or so I’d like to hope.
And just to throw another interesting perspective into the mix, I found this article through a link from blackfeminism.org and thought it was amazingly thought provoking:
America’s Stay-At-Home Feminists
Methinks I done caused enough controversy for one day!
I didn’t mean to offend you by saying that when you have children, things are different. I think that it’s generally true, just as it’s true that many things, once you’ve experienced them, can change you. But you’re right. It’s a comment that can be demeaning and minimize others.
Take care.
Chris,
I wasn’t referring to anything that you said. I was talking about something I said in my first post.
L
Great post Liana! I feel very sorry for you friend’s husband. There is nothing that makes me happier than seeing Marc as a Daddy. He’s an amazing parent and truly enjoys it.
Oh, there is one thing you left out of this post…. How are you feeling???
Everyone has to find what works for their lives, I wish we could all refrain from judging other’s choices and all be inclusionary with our spouses in parenting.
That said, sometimes it’s hard not to judge others for choices that differ from our own, I wish I knew why. I cut a juror recently because she had a Wharton degree but was a stay at home mother for 14 years. Why? At that moment I didn’t think she’d get my case and I didn’t respect her choice.
I’m so happy your pregnancy is progressing forward nicely. I hope you’re feeling well.
[...] with understanding or relating to those of my own sex. Sure, I’ve written about it before. A few times. This is not news. Yet old age and menopause seem to be causing me to lose the dispassionate [...]
Which last name is the baby going to have?
That post I linked to was written in 2005 and unfortunately I lost that baby at 16 weeks. But our daughter has a hyphenated last name consisting of mine and my husband’s.