Things I Learned In 2006
I know that everyone is doing his or her end of the year summary of 2006. I guess that I’m not going to be any different. Today I’m going to talk about the things I learned in 2006.Well the first big item is something that I already knew, but was drummed into my head even more soundly in 2006.
1. There is no fucking plan.
There is a life lesson that I often imparted to my teen patients: In your early teens, you live for the moment, never planning for more than today’s fun. By your mid-teens, you develop a sense of logic and fairness, believing that your life will begin the minute you leave home. You don’t understand why adults are always complaining about money and responsibilities. You work, pay your bills, and have fun: a simple plan. However by your late teens/early 20s, it hits you: life is not going according to plan. Ultimately when you reach full-grown adulthood, the greatest truth dawns on you: there is no fucking plan! Life just comes at you and all you can do is to roll with the punches. 2006 showed me in a big way that there was no fucking plan. My baby died. AdoringHusband lost his job. I had major abdominal surgery and then a failed frozen embryo transfer. I entered 2006 pregnant and somewhat hopeful and ended it without a live baby to tuck into bed. Yeah, there is no fucking plan.
2. You won’t die from grief.
When the baby died, I thought that I would just curl up and die as well. Nothing could reach me. I cared about nothing and no one. All I knew was grief and loss. I thought that life, as I knew it, was over for me.
I was wrong. The grief that had been my lifeblood gradually seeped out of me. I was transfused with a serum containing tiny bits of hope, of love, and of acceptance. And I eventually began to recognize Liana once more.
I didn’t die. I wanted to die. But this passed. Eventually.
3. It is more important for me to be a mother than to be pregnant.
This is not to say that I’ve gotten over my resentment of the pregnant. I wish I could say that I was past this petty, mean-spirited sequel’s of my infertility. I’m better, but I’m not past it. Yet I am clear that I want to be done with the heartache of failed cycles and dead babies. I don’t want to play “what will my uterus do this time?” any more. To my friends continuing down the path of fertility treatments, I wish you much success. But me, I’m done, finished, over it. Fuck pregnancy. I’m working on becoming a mom to a real, live baby human (since Rory and Willow like to remind me that I am mom to them as well.)
I’ve started a new baby blanket 
and am planning to knit this outfit for him/her to wear home from the hospital.
Oh yeah, my friends, I’m over the fucking nightmare that was my trying to get (and stay) pregnant. I’m skipping point B and moving directly to the endgame.
4. Remodeling/decorating may be painful, but it sure as hell is worth it..I’ve spent most of my adult life living as though I was waiting to become a real grown up. I salivated over others’ homes and furnishings while continuing to live with white walls and Ikea furniture. But in 2006, thanks to the fabulous efforts of my designers, my home is on its way to becoming a grown up living space complete with adult furniture and faux finishes on the walls. The kitchen remains in limbo (and yes, I will post about this dramady) but by the time our social worker comes on Friday, the house will look like real adults live here.
5. Strength training sucks, but boy does it make you look better!
One of the best decisions that I made this year was enlisting a trainer to help me get my fitness plan back on track. Forget crazy Kevin…Luda is the bomb. I can’t say that I look forward to our sessions, but she makes them productive and (hard to believe) fun. She ignores me when I tell her that she must be on crack. (Usually goes something like this…you want me to do what? You need to give up the crack! Then I grumble and do it anyway.) And now when I look in the mirror, I see someone different…someone less pudgy…someone more cut. Someone who stood up to exit the car for the valet yesterday and found her hip-belt fallen to her feet. Thank you, Luda! (Though you still need to give up the crack!)
6. It’s better without the damn scale.
I haven’t weighed myself in months. AdoringHusband put the scale somewhere and I can’t get to it. And though I originally made the get-rid-of-the-scale deal as a pact with my friend K, she has since returned to her overfocused scale-driven ways (yeah, I get to bust you out, my friend!) and I remain scaleless…and happier. Without the scale, I can only measure myself with my clothes and the mirror. It is not possible for me to have a bad scale day and then decide to forgo my exercise. Nope. No scale, less drama and more exercise. I’m sticking with it.
7. Do not visit the Petsmart adoption center.
You go to Petsmart for food and come back with a pint-sized loony kitten who ends up infecting your two babies so that one is hospitalized overnight with fever and infection, and the other now has an excoriated, bloody nose from her upper respiratory infection. Willow has convinced me that she and Rory are all the cats we need right now.
8. Traveling all the time sucks the big hairy wang.
Would be different were I like my colleague Gregg who does the international jaunts. Yeah, business class is da bomb. But ordinary domestic travel is like traveling in a cattle car. One of my fellow road warriors taught me a great trick for surviving on the road: before going to sleep put the phone book on the floor next to the bed. In the morning you can roll over, look down and know what city you’re in! I can’t tell you how that little trick came in handy. Too often I was like, where the heck am I? The Marriott in Portland, Maine looks suspiciously like the Marriott in Seattle, Washington. And let us not even get into the new airline travel restrictions imposed during the last half of the year! I’m lobbying for frequent traveler security lines (yes, Virginia, you’ve got to take your damn shoes off) and kid-free airlines (I’d like a seat in a scream-free zone, please).
9. Cleaning services were made for people like me.
I used to feel guilty for my hatred of cleaning toilets. Now I realize that outsourcing pays someone to do something I hate. It is win-win for both of us.
10. God, I love my husband.
He may be a mess. He may have issues. But the man loves me more than is sensible. How else to explain his Christmas party behavior of regaling everyone within visual range with a slideshow of our wedding pictures from his phone? We’ve been married three and a half years and he still get tears in his eyes when he looks at this picture:
I got lucky. Really lucky.
On that note, I will close. Tomorrow, some resolutions for 2007.
Goodnight all.
Good, good, and more good. You seem like you’re in a great place for the new year.
Love the wedding photo.
What a great post. I love the bit about wanting to be a mother winning out over all the needs and all the loss. Roll on a great 2007.
Wonderful post! (Finding you through Millie)
I love the photo and numbers 1,2 & 3 really spoke to me.
Hello
Great book. I just want to say what a fantastic thing you are doing! Good luck!
Bye