So Far, Not Digging This
ast night I finally confronted my fear and got out the breast pump. I managed to put the pieces together and got everything set up properly. I figured out how to put the flanges in my bra and turned on the Symphony. Happily I didn’t explode. It felt weird, but I was OK. After 15 minutes, I stopped the pump then left the house for BabiesRUs.
While BabiesRUs had been regressing to grunting near-catatonia after 45 minutes, I was pleased to see that my self-inflicted sexual trauma (that I detailed in my previous password protected post: My Breastfeeding Phobia*) didn’t materialize. Unfortunately I spoke too soon.
I pumped again before going to bed. This time I felt more than weird. It was a little triggering. Today’s pumping sessions have been increasingly triggering. (And for you non-therapized individuals, what I mean by triggering is that it is causing post-traumatic stress disorder type flashbacks for me.) This last encounter with the pump had me in tears as I felt myself remembering sexual encounters that shouldn’t have happened. I felt like the machine was violating me, even though logically I knew that this was not actually what was transpiring.
Thank god for AdoringHusband. He came and sat with me holding my hand and helping me to stay in the present and not flash back to those horrible days in my past. He told me how much he loves me and would never let anyone hurt me. He also kept reminding me that the spirit of our child was here to help me get through this. Through my tears, I managed to get a little more grounded. We eventually started playing Actors and Actresses (a silly game that my Mom and I used to play when bored) as a distraction. I made it through my 15 minutes.
I’m angry with myself for succumbing to these old feelings, but I know this anger is misdirected. You can’t stop yourself from being triggered by past trauma. I guess I just hoped for more from myself. In any event, I’m going to keep fighting until I manage to get past my trauma. I need to do this. I need to keep pressing on here. But I ain’t digging it so far.
*If you would like to read this old post but need the password, use the contact form and write me.
I’m sorry the old issues are back to haunt. I hope you can overcome this (and I think you will)
Be kind to yourself!
Yes, absolutely be kind to yourself. One step at a time and lots and lots of loving care as you go.
I’m sorry for your pain. I can’t imagine; can’t put myself in your shoes. But I wish you all the luck in the world in overcoming your personal issues and succeeding at the just plain hard project that you’re embarking on. You’re going to be a great mother.
Oh my dear sweet friend. I can’t imagine what this must be doing to you! i’m glad Adoring Husband was there for you and able to pull you back.