My Past/My Present
Thank you, everyone for your good wishes on our match. I went into the weekend on an emotional high, feeling excited for the first time in a long time. Things might just go according to plan, for once. I kept holding on to that thought.
AdoringHusband and I got busy. We took time to clean out the baby’s room and seal it off from Major Pooper, otherwise known as Willow, who seems to have developed a bad habit of pooping and peeing outside the litter box just because she knows that it pisses us off. The crib and dresser should arrive this week. The co-sleeper is here as well. Things are coming together.
But on Saturday, despite my emotional high, I began to reflect on the date. I kept feeling like I was missing something…an important memory. Sure our anniversary is on the 15th. That wasn’t it, but it was something related to that date. Something close to it.
I tried to remember how we spent our anniversary last year. Was that the year we went to the restaurant where all the waiters sang arias between their meal deliveries? No, that wasn’t last year. What did we do last year?
All of a sudden it hit me like a brick. Last year for our anniversary, we sat together eating tasteless pizza and crying. It was one year ago that we lost our Zappy.
On March 7, 2006 I started bleeding and went to the hospital. I was 16 weeks pregnant. On March 8th we discovered that Zappy’s heart was no longer beating. March 10th was the day of the D&E. And by March 15, our 3rd anniversary, I just wanted to die along with my baby.
How did I manage to so compartmentalize this terrible anniversary? Maybe I had to because the pain remains so overwhelming that it threatens to take me over the minute I let the memories into my consciousness. I sit here now letting the feelings wash over me. My head is foggy, my eyes leak, and my hands shake. The pain is horrible. The ugly pain of memory.
I’m torn. I vowed never to forget my dear Zappy. I still love her so much. But when I think of how I lost her, I feel traces of the searing agony from last year. And I don’t want to let that pain back in. I want to put it back into its unbreachable container until the memory becomes dull ache instead of excruciating heartbreak. Does this make me disloyal to my little girl lost?
I chose to do what my therapist always said, when facing past trauma, try to stay present and not get lost in the memory. But the present was at such a contrast. A match with an expectant mother almost a year to the day after the most painful loss of my life. Is this evidence of life sinusoidal path, one second up, the next down? Is this an important synchronicity? Is there a message of hope in this? Or it is just that God/Goddess/Fate/Whatever has a really crappy sense of irony?
I don’t want to relive the pain of the past. I’d rather run toward the hope in my present. Perhaps this makes me a coward. I don’t know for sure.
I want my Zappy to know that she is always loved and is sorely missed by her Mommy and Daddy. Mommy will heal…in time.
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Oh, Liana. I’m so sorry about Zappy. I don’t think you are being disloyal at all. You still love her. She is a huge part of you and your AH. She will always be a part of you.
Hugs.
This doesn’t make you disloyal to Zappy in the least. It also doesn’t make you a coward. It means you’re moving on and that’s as it should be. A lot has happened in the last year. You’ve done a lot of hard work. Zappy will always be part of you and moving on honors her it doesn’t diminish her in the least.
I hope you and AH have a celebratory anniversary-looking both backwards and forwards, making room in your lives and hearts for your future and your past.
Oh Liana, I hope and pray this is God’s way of letting you know that Zappy wants you to be a Mommy, and this precious little girl that has chosen you will not ever replace your angel, but fulfill your destiny of being a Mom.
I felt my lost angels spirit helping me through what was a very hard pregnancy, I think Z and your Mom are both watching over you..
Catherine
It sucks the way grief can wallop us unexpectedly. I’m sorry that you’re hurting right now and you and Zappy are in my thoughts today.
I am sorry to hear about Zappy. I am a somewhat “new” reader and I didn’t know about your loss of your little girl. Wishing you comfort and peace today.
Ouch. Miscarriage sucks. I remember standing in my kitchen in the middle of the night bawling sobbing crying, in disbelief and agony. I’m sorry about Zappy. Peace to you.
Wow, has it been a year already? Zappy is a part of us too. I still think of her. I’ve never met you, but I will never forget when I heard the news. I pulled over on the side of the road and cried like you were my sister. I’m glad that you will be getting your daughter soon. Maybe there is a such thing as re-incarnation. I do think its odd that your first baby will be a little girl. Jewfro intact too. This story does have a happy ending or beginning (depending how you look at it), so allow yourself to be happy and enjoy,continue to hope. Your mom is with Zappy. They wouldnt want you to be sad when you think of them. How about a pic of the Zappy pendant? xoxox
I remember Zappy. She will not be forgotten.
So sad, so sorry. I don’t hear any disloyalty, only a bracketing in order to go on – if you fully felt the pain of that loss all the time, how would you even function?
Oh my dear sweet friend – Zappy would have wanted you to be happy. To go on and parent a beautiful child because that is what your destiny holds. Zappy with always be with you both – in your hearts and in your souls. I hope that will eventually bring you both peace. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ll never forget that day in the park.
{{{HUGS}}}}
Liana
I can totally understand. My baby is due on the same date that we lost our first one 4 years ago…I like to think of it as a meshing of familial spirit.
You are healing, Zappy will always be with you. Thinking of her today.
I can understand too. This time last year I was so happy with my DE pregnancy – it turned out a twin pregnancy – that ended abruptly with our first scan on April 1 and no heartbeat seen. For most of March I was ecstatic, but in April I too didn’t think I would survive the grief or the bitterness. I call the crying that still erupts ‘grief attacks’ and they seem to possess me like a mutant form of epilepsy, crying and pain over which I have no control. The last one I experienced a few days after my wedding a few months ago – I spent the whole day in bed weeping. I am now planning my next DE cycle and it feels so strange to feel so positive – you’re right Liana, you can’t die of grief. I learned that too. I go for the weird irony theory of God. I think my spirtuality is based on this feeling – the synchronicity of life is just too bizarre. I wish you so much good, with this adotion and everything else – I love your honesty and your courage. Best wishes.
I am so sorry for you lost….because you have shared her with us, we all remember Zappy, and she will not be forgotten.
I think it’s okay to live in the present and be with your excitement – give yourself permission to be happy now.
Zappy is in your heart so she sharing that happiness – your happiness is a gift to her.
I wonder – maybe your happiness honors her more than your grief.