Welcome To The Dollhouse

When Will It Stop?

Luda, my trainer, is pregnant.

I don’t know how I missed it before since she is showing. Maybe I didn’t want to see. I dunno.

What I do know is that I felt that familiar resentment starting up once again. And I hate myself for it.

How petty a person can I be to keep turning someone else’s pregnancy into an oh-poor-me pity party? I used to be a better person, a bigger person, and a much less ridiculous person before being faced with infertility. Now, I’m just a crappy, crying whiner.

I did try to keep it together this time, but Luda sussed me out. Usually our sessions are filled with frivolity and groaning. This time, I just focused on what I had to do and zoned out. I said almost nothing, fearful that if I spoke, my voice would crack and the tears would start to flow. Finally, she said, “did my news upset you?”

“I’m happy for you,” I replied, not really having addressed the question.

I continued my chest presses fighting the tears that started welling in my eyes. What the fuck am I crying about? I chastised myself mentally. So she’s pregnant. Good for her. What’s that got to do with you? Why are you crying?

The truth is that I don’t really know anymore. I thought I envied the pregnant woman’s impending motherhood. Yet I’m closer to motherhood than Luda is right now (I mean, Luda is already a mother of 3, but I think you get what I mean). I’ll be a mother soon, if all goes well. So it doesn’t make sense for it to be the motherhood that gets me.

Is it still pregnancy envy? That feeling of why does she get to be pregnant and I don’t. But come on, that is getting more than a little old. What am I? Five years old?

What I do know is that I want these ridiculous feelings to stop. I want to congratulate someone’s pregnancy without any petty why-not-me thoughts coming up. I want to be able to go to a baby shower and not feel like I was cheated. I want to return to the grown up Liana I was before infertility entered my life.

When will these infantile feelings stop? When will my heart and soul begin to heal?


22 Responses to “When Will It Stop?”

  1. Barb says:

    It’s an emotional time for you right now. I can’t say the feelings will completely go away, but it gets much, much easier once you hold your child in your arms.

  2. sherri says:

    I’m in your spot. I don’t know when it ends.

    I think it’s related to a dream denied. A dream deferred, one can handle because the possibility exists that one day… it may be realized. Maybe it’s grief and it needs to run the course??

  3. beagle says:

    I’m not sure. I still feel it too and I don’t like that about myself either. I also don’t like that it is making me doubt my readiness for adoption, especially after all today’s firestorm on the topic “out there”.

  4. dawn says:

    Ok, I gotta ask — where is this firestorm? (Since peterscrossstation mentioned it, too, on her blog.)

    Back to the matter at hand! I remember right before Madison came home I was at Home Depot and I saw a dad with three little kids, all obviously siblings. A baby, a toddler, a preschooler all with the exact same fluffy hair and big blue eyes and I almost fell to my knees. And I felt so guilty — like I was rejecting this yet-to-be-adopted baby or something. But then I realized that you have to go through it again, this process of saying good-bye to something you wanted. It comes up again and again but each time it gets fainter as the rest of your life becomes more clear. It also made me realize that adoption (and pregnancy) don’t cure infertility. Infertility is loss piled on loss and even when a baby arrives – even if it arrives through successful treatment — it doesn’t take away that loss.

    Separating the adoption from the infertility was a big important step for me because it meant I put a lot less pressure on myself to get it all straight right away. It let me grieve my losses without putting it on Madison’s arrival, too. You have a right to be sad still. You’re allowed to grieve and heal on your own timeline.

  5. Flicka says:

    If you figure out how to make it stop hurting and how to get on with life, I hope you’ll share. I have yet to figure out how to do that, even though I spend far too much time daily beating myself up over feeling bad about pregnant patrons at our library. I’m happy with our plans to adopt but letting go of my losses and the idea that I will ever be pregnant….I just can’t figure out how to do it. Old or not.

    Thanks for your lovely comment on my blog. It means so much to know you are praying.

  6. StillaMomma says:

    Honestly, I don’t think the feelings completely go away, but they do diminish. I had to make a conscious effort to decide to be happy…not only for me, but for our daughter. I decided to change our perspective about motherhood. I am mother. I did not birth our daughter, but I am her mother. I am not less than…my path is different. I am living that everyday, and I have to tell myself that in order to survive, even after adoption.

    Go through the emotions. They are very real, and you are not a bad person for going through this season in your life.

    A good friend told me that life is like a window. Our bad experiences are like fingerprints on those windows. Don’t allow the fingerprint to muddy up what you’re supposed to be seeing…life.

  7. Anita says:

    I feel like I could have written your post myself. When I found out about the last person that I know is pregnant, it devestated me. Then after my pity party I had to throw myself another one because I felt like such a horrible person for not feeling joyous for her. I mean what kind of person does that make me when a loved one gets pregnant and I go behind closed doors to cry about it? It’s like a double dose of feeling like crap.

    I have a baby shower to go to this weekend. I’m happy for my friend but hearing the news that they got pregnant on their first try when I just finished another failed cycle bites. After this many years you would think it gets easier, but it doesn’t seem to. I wish I had something more encouraging to say to you, but I’m in a similar place so I know how you feel and would like to know those answers myself.

  8. Like you, I want desperately for the feelings you described to stop. I want to be further along and through the knot hole, really I do. If anyone out there knows how to get us there, please let us know; we’re all ears.

  9. Bea says:

    We are all five years old when it comes to grief. You may gain a lot through infertility – hopefully soon we’ll hear you say that – but it won’t erase what you’ve lost along the way. Wishing you forward to a time of acceptance and peace.

    Bea

  10. thalia says:

    I’m not sure it ever goes away completely. Your adoption is not a replacement, it is a new baby who you will love with all your heart, but that won’t stop you mourning the children you didn’t have and the children you lost through miscarriage. Don’t beat yourself up for this, it’s utterly normal.

  11. spyderkl says:

    I wish I could say that adopting will take away the pain, but it won’t. At least it didn’t for me. Even after five years with our baby, I still can’t go to a “regular” complete-with-pregnant-mother baby shower. Still have a tough time passing pregnant women on the street, although that’s gotten a little easier with time.

    Unfortunately, it’ll only be over when…it is. *hugs* I wish I could make it go away for you.

  12. Jenn says:

    My boys are eight months old, and while it’s easier, it still hurts to hear those announcements.

  13. Sylvie says:

    Of course I can’t tell you when. But I do believe it will happen. For me it just happened one day. One day someone gave me the news and I noticed that I little knot didn’t well up in my throught, and I was happy, fully happy. Of course you are happy when loved ones share such special news, but it’s hard not to be fully happy. It will come. It will come

  14. Hi Liana,

    I silently read your blog and want you to know I can always relate to your posts. I miscarried a few years ago and could never have a child on my own. I am so happy to hear about your adoption and follow your story. May this baby be a blessing to you and Mason and may joy, peace and prosperity follow you everywhere.

  15. Louise says:

    The sad thing is that I can no longer remember the time I was TRULY happy when I heard someone was pregnant. For the past six years I have either been dying to start trying to conceive (mean husband did not think we could afford it right away), or in fertility treatments.

    I guess there was that one brief window of time when we had only been TTC for a couple of months, that I was really and truly happy to hear pregnancy announcements…I thought I wouldn’t be following too far behind and that our kids would be best friends.

  16. Julie says:

    I wish I could tell you it will go away but so far… no luck. The tears definately don’t flow as quickly or as easily but the pain is still there but instead of a sharp stab, it’s more of an ache.

    {{{HUGS}}}

  17. maggie says:

    It’s really hard, but it’ll be easier (I think, I hope) when the baby is in your arms.

  18. Denise says:

    De-lurking.

    I think for me, the emotion I feel upon hearing someone is pregnant is one of knowing my body has failed me. Something basic thing that I, as a woman, should be able to do. Conceive.

    It took me many years to come to that conclusion. Now that I have, I can say that I am truly happy for my friends when they announce a pregnancy.

    It is a dream denied. However, Motherhood won’t be. Congratulations on the upcoming adoption.

  19. Kellie says:

    I’m not sure it ever goes away, no matter how it is you get your family. To go through infertility and its resulting scars is difficult and those scars don’t go away. At times it is easier for me, but other times it feels like a scab that just doesn’t ever completely heal.

  20. jj says:

    (((((hugs))))))

    emotions sometimes beat logic/ration/ethics and other characteristics that require you to “do or think what’s right” …suppressing it can be harmful, stressful, blood pressure raising sometimes.

    so in a word i think you have a “right” to harbor these feelings b/c they are your own. perhaps in time, you’d respond differently, but in the meantime, i hope you can not fight those “not so popular emotions” that make us human.

    i know when i read your post, it reminds me of when i was pregnant and would complain about my back, swollen feet, acne etc and my mother in law would tell me, “you know, there are women out there that want those backpains and swollen feet and acne, so embrace those aches and pains b/c they mean you are pregnant and there are many who would trade your shoes anyday”.

    im praying for you, lady. im eager to read about your new addition any day now!

  21. Charise says:

    I don’t know if it ever goes away.

    I have an early m/c, a stillbirth at 22w1d and a live birth under my belt and I still feel that little twinge of jealousy when I hear that a friend is pregnant. I used to think that it would, and I was anxiously awaiting that day. Now, I just kind of accept those feelings as part of who I am. I try not to beat myself up about it, though. You shouldn’t either.

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