What’s In A Name?
I know that I should just be chillin’ like Dylan, waiting for the big day to come, but you all know me by now. I’ve got to jump into the fray and give my probably unpopular two cents.
Now I love and respect Dawn from This Woman’s Work. In fact, Millie has taught me to filter my decisions through a WWDD (what would Dawn do?) philosophy. I totally dig her.
Her April 11th article from Anti-Racist Parent asked the question of whether adoptive parents should change their children’s names. Dawn chose not to. And the general sentiment from the comments was that one should use the name chosen by the birth or first parents.
Some interesting comments:
It drives me crazy when other a-parents refuse to keep or incorporate birth names. The worst is when people name their child their name or their husband’s name JR. Ugh!
As Dawn mentioned, the practice of renaming African slaves is one way of removing and controlling a person’s identity.
I hope that Madison can find strength/comfort in knowing that she is always and has always been exactly who she is and that adults may have made big decisions FOR her but that she herself was a constant and will be a constant.
What surprised me in the reactions to the article was that people saw it as a capitulation to Madison’s first mom instead of something we chose for MADISON’S sake.
I don’t like how so many APs assume they have the right or prerogative to change their adopted child’s name. I feel very strongly that it is the child’s. Taking away a person’s name is fundamentally invasive no matter how young they are.
Let me start my part of the story by saying that we have a name picked out for our daughter when she comes to us. The name has been something that we’ve held onto throughout our infertility drama and through the loss of our Zappy last year. It is special and has great meaning to us.
However, until reading Dawn’s post and the comments, I had no idea of the harm that I am about to inflict on our daughter by giving her the name we’ve chosen. Madison has been given a gift because her name was not changed at 2 days of age. Yet AdoringHusband and I will be taking away a gift/inflicting a trauma when we name our daughter the name we’ve chosen, despite the fact that we’ve chatted about this plan with Josie, our expectant mother/birthparent.
You know what? I’m not buying it. I’m just not.
One of the commenters said close to what I feel about this issue:
I have to say, taking the right of naming completely away from adoptive parents would diminish their status as real parents. It is enough of a struggle sometimes, in an unsupportive world, to feel like our kids are really really our kids. And it is in the best interest of our kids if we do feel that. If an adoptive parent names a child with respect for his or her cultural heritage and birth name, I think it’s fine, even if some changes are made to the child’s name.
See, here’s the thing. Infertility has robbed me of a lot. It has robbed me of my ability to get pregnant, to carry a baby, and to give birth. Now, according to many of the commenters above, infertility has to rob me of my ability to choose a name for the baby that comes into our lives. Oh well. Better just get over than dream as well as all the others. Giving your baby the name you choose is stripping him/her of his/her identity. I’ll be causing trauma at 2 days of age.
People say that comparing adoption to biological parenthood is a dysfunctional act. Adoption is different, period. Your baby belongs to two sets of parents. The reality of this is critical. Yet in the same breath, adoptive parents speak of the love, the status in the family, and the sense of belonging to be no different between adoptive and biological children. So it seems to me that with adoption, issues either get split into the “different” or “no different” categories. While I always had the child’s name as being in the “no different” category, my eyes have been opened by the WMWP from Anti-Racist Parent to see that baby naming actually belongs in the “different” category.
What if I don’t want it there, though? Is there enough data to support the thesis that changing a 2-day old infant’s name is traumatizing to the child when s/he becomes an adolescent or young adult? You know I’m a researcher. I need data. And as we like to remind people, the plural of anecdote is not data. If I am going to give up something so important to parents (any parents) like the ability to name my child, then I want to see some data to support this harm assertion. I would rip out my own heart before knowingly doing something that would harm our child.
Honestly, I thought that the naming plan Josie, AdoringHusband and I worked out was fine. None of the three of us had any issue with it that I am aware of. AdoringHusband and I have also discussed adding Josie’s selected first name as a second middle name. (The child will have a long-ass last name since my name and AdoringHusband’s last name will form a hyphenated last name.) Now, however, I have to consider the harm I’ll be inflicting by changing the baby’s birth name.
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OK, I’ve considered it. To the Anti-Racist Parent commenters, I respectfully agree to disagree. I do not believe that I will be introducing indelible harm to our child by changing her name at 2 days of age. I also do not believe I will be dishonoring Josie in making this change. I already adore this tremendous young woman and I will do everything in my power to foster a positive future relationship as firstmother and child.
So my answer to the question posed of whether adoptive parents should change their children’s names is, if they want to. I believe that adoptive parents are not dishonoring their children’s first parents by changing names. They are, however, honoring their family by adding the naming ritual to the bringing of the the child into their lives.
And to all of you waiting for me to cut to the chase and tell you our planned name…you’re out of luck. You’ll just have to wait and see! 
Teendoc, I respect your opinion. For what it is worth our daughter remained “Baby Girl” until we named her and she has four names as well — DH’s mom’s first name, my sister’s first name, a middle name picked by her birthfamily, and our last name. We think this was a good compromise for all concerned.
This subject also brings to mind a situation that we were presented during our adoption process where the adoption was contingent on naming the child (if a boy) birthfather’s first name, junior (it was never clear if the “junior” was the middle name or to be a traditional junior). In any case, we could not do this and decided to not be shown.
Luckily for all concerned the baby was a girl and was adopted by another waiting family in our agency (named the contingent name girl’s name, which was okay, but not something we would’ve chosen). So bottom line, assumptions shouldn’t be made about who has all the “control” in the naming situations.
I know that in reality the adoptive parents could’ve disregarded this wish but again, luckily for all concerned, they did not.
Keeping an eye on your blog for further developments.
Thanks for sharing that situation, Michelle. I didn’t realize that expectant parents could stipulate a name for their child they place for adoption. How interesting.
I think that the naming of a child is a personal decision for each family. There is not a right answer for everyone. If you have worked something out with Josie, and she’s happy about it, that seems ideal.
Jack and I are planning to change our son’s name when he comes home. He will be at least 9 months old, and I think this will unfortunately cause some confusion and distress on his part. However, his birth name is hard to pronounce in English and also sounds feminine to Americans. We don’t want Kit to be teased about his name when he gets older. We are keeping his birth name as his middle name.
If Kit wants to change his name when he gets older, we will let him, whether it’s back to his original name, or something completely different. I myself changed my first name at the time of my marriage.
If you and the baby’s birth mother have agreed on a naming plan, I can’t understand how anyone could object. Don’t they have better things to do?
I am all for honouring each person’s individual identity, no matter how young s/he is. I think it’s great to be sensitive to a child’s origins when naming him/her, as with all other decisions. But it is ludicrous to me to suggest that adoptive parents shouldn’t take part in the naming of their child. As parents you will take on many enormous responsibilities for your daughter’s physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Naming her is part of that responsibility. It is the parents’ job.
Otherwise we might as well say that nobody should impose a name on another human being, so all children should be called “hey you” until they are old enough to choose their own names.
Excellent thought in process… I agree with your ideas and have planned to do the same. I have a sentimental first name that we are set on and will openly consider the name they chose to be a middle name for baby. I know many adopted people and besides being curious of their given first name, I do not sense any life altering differences from having their adopted parents rename them (I am talking about adult friends of mine).
Your day is nearing so quickly… Enjoy it all, soak that baby girl in to your every pore… This is an amazing time!
Oh my goodness, of course it’s absolutely RIGHT to change a baby’s name, let me rephrase that to YOUR baby’s name – to whatever you choose. Why why why do people always have to make a big ado about things like this? It’s your child, you need to do as you please… anyways you already made the decision and I know you weren’t asking us our opinion. You shouldn’t! glad you and AdoringHusband made such a good decision.
I can’t wait to see the baby and find out the name! EXCITING TIMES!!!
-CANDY
And you know I respect you and your decisions, too, even if they are different than mine.
‘Cuz I like you and stuff. Ultimately, it’s up to you and DH and frankly, despite my ARP entry, I don’t sit around and go, “I can’t BELIEVE so-and-so changed her baby’s name!” Some (most maybe all?) my favorite adoptive parent role models changed their babies’ names and they are still my most respected role models.
(I also love the irony that *I* know your baby girl name. Hehehe! And I’m not telling either!!!)
Seems like in cyberspace agreeing to disagree and still coming away with mutual respect is a lost art. (See Kim’s attacks at ARP.) I’m glad we are cool like that.
And I fixed my little error that led to the leaking of our name! You stay quiet now!
I don’t have a firm opinion on the issue at the moment. Therefore I can see both sides. However, names, and their uses, is an interesting subject.
In many times and places names have been seen as more fluid things. You point out a negative example – the forcing of a new name on a slave – but there’s also the taking of a new name by someone undergoing a major life change (confirmation names being the example closest to hand, but to cite a more distant example consider great Chinese sages of history, who took on a new name to mark a different “phase” of their life).
The difference is, I guess, that in modern Western culture it’s seen as “weird” to identify with more than one name. A different culture might see it as completely legitimate to change your name (have it changed) when undergoing such a transition as an adoption – but wouldn’t see the act as erasing the previous name in quite the same way we would.
Can/should a child be encouraged to be comfortable with both names? They were called this at birth, and that at adoption, and both are “correct”; both are part of their identity? And maybe one day they will take on a new name again (for religious or professional reaons, through marriage) and that will be their name too, and they will use each name according to the appropriate social situation, because a person doesn’t remain static, but changes dramatically throughout their life?
Like I said, mainly an academic argument for me, rather than a personal one, but I do find the topic interesting, and I do see cultural biases in the way we think of a name.
Bea
I can’t read the one above without paragraphing. I’ll try again:
I don’t have a firm opinion on the issue at the moment. Therefore I can see both sides. However, names, and their uses, is an interesting subject.
In many times and places names have been seen as more fluid things. You point out a negative example – the forcing of a new name on a slave – but there’s also the taking of a new name by someone undergoing a major life change (confirmation names being the example closest to hand, but to cite a more distant example consider great Chinese sages of history, who took on a new name to mark a different “phase†of their life).
The difference is, I guess, that in modern Western culture it’s seen as “weird†to identify with more than one name. A different culture might see it as completely legitimate to change your name (have it changed) when undergoing such a transition as an adoption – but wouldn’t see the act as erasing the previous name in quite the same way we would.
Can/should a child be encouraged to be comfortable with both names? They were called this at birth, and that at adoption, and both are “correctâ€; both are part of their identity? And maybe one day they will take on a new name again (for religious or professional reaons, through marriage) and that will be their name too, and they will use each name according to the appropriate social situation, because a person doesn’t remain static, but changes dramatically throughout their life?
Like I said, mainly an academic argument for me, rather than a personal one, but I do find the topic interesting, and I do see cultural biases in the way we think of a name.
Bea
I too think it’s a personal decision. We had a name chosen ahead of time (one that was special to me and we had picked out for years) The birthmother asked us what we wanted to name the baby, and that’s what she put on the birth certificate. She even wanted to go as far as putting OUR last name on the certificate instead of hers.
That is so great that it happened for you this way.
This stood out to me:
That, at least to this adoptive parent, was incredibly important. The three of you chose the baby’s name together. Doesn’t matter what I say, or what anyone else says. To hell with all that. You chose the baby’s name together.
And for what it’s worth, Dawn did choose her daughter’s name. She chose the same one her daughter’s birthmother had chosen. What I did, or what all the rest of the adoptive world did, didn’t matter to her, and it shouldn’t matter to you.
Well to be fair, we didn’t choose the name together. She is deciding on whether she wants to name the baby. Her name choice if she does name is different from the name we shared with her, though. I guess what I meant is that the three of us have agreed that if she does name the baby, we plan to change the baby’s name on the adoption certificate. We are all OK with that plan. I do have to talk to her about including a second middle name (from the first name she likes) to the baby’s full name.
And about my dear friend Dawn. From where I sit, she didn’t choose her daughter’s name. She accepted the name that Jessica picked for her daughter. It seems to me that she actually chose not to change Madison’s name, rather than choosing her name. I think I’m tied up in the semantics of the whole thing here.
Thanks so much for your comments. AdoringHusband and I just need to do what feels right to us in concert with Josie.
Very interesting post. I think it is a very personal decision. If you are your child’s real parent why cant you give them the name that you choose. I dont buy this whole theory of taking away a child’s idenity by changing their name. Your name is not a part of you at 3 days old. In that case why give them your last name? A last name is more apart of your “legacy” than your 1st name. Why shouldn’t your child have a name that is important to you?
In our case, we discussed names with Gavin’s birthmom. I don’t think she was really feeling the name we chose, because she had never heard it. While I liked the name that she chose for him, we had friends with a son with the same name. We also wanted to give him a family name as a middle name. The middle named happened to also be a family name in her family. She let us know that she wanted to put the name she chose on his 1st birth certificate, we were totally fine with this. She felt it was important to her, but in all of our correspondence and conversations she refers to him as Gavin, the name we gave him.
Thanks for sharing your experience with Gavin. I also appreciate the support in my decision.
I think that you are thoroughly in your right to name your child. It’s an open adoption; she hasn’t been named by her biological mother; she’s coming to you AT BIRTH. One might make a different case for a child adopted at a year, or six, who has learned his/her name. But for what you’re doing – you name that baby. Continued good luck with the baby.
I just finished reading all the comments on the other blog and that woman Kim really came after you.
I love how you are not afraid to state your own opinion.
As for myself, I am a baby name addict…I have been journaling baby names since I was a teenager. I love learning about the meaning and origin of names. And I can’t wait to name my newborn child(ren).
If and whenever we are matched to a potential birth mom, I am open to hearing what names she likes, but I also plan to share with her the names on our list as well. It would be great if we could one day tell our child about how we selected his name. If we are placed with a child of a different culture or ethnic background than us, I would like to reflect that somewhere in his or her name.
But I do think that naming a child is an important step in the “entitlement” process that adoptive parents go through. I think the book “Adopting After Infertility” also addresses some of this as well. Have you read that one yet?
xxxxx
She’s one of those Last Word Lucys who cannot rest unless she has the last word, even if she is making up crap in the process. She is truly laughable in her characterization of me. Ah well.
I have that book but have only skimmed it, I’m afraid. I should go pick it up.
Well said my friend! As you know, we did change Dylan’s name and it did cause me some heartache at first. We used one of his given names as a middle name and I hope that his first mother would approve.
~side story~ The name you know me as is not the name I was born with (got your attention huh?). When my real Mom adopted me I was desperate to seperate myself from the past and my pain. As part of a healing ritual my parents and I came up with – I renamed myself. Not a huge difference (I’ll share my birth names with you when I see you again) but enough to make my 19 year old self feel safe.
I think the naming issue is one where there is not *one* right answer. Especially since there are so many different types of adoptions, and the naming isues do change from one type to another.
It sounds like you, AH and Josie have reached a decision that you all feel comfortable with. And getting to comfort in your own situation is obviously the most important thing for each of us facing this issue.
Now, on the other hand – our daughter came home to us at 1 year. She already knew her name, responded to her name. For us, it seemed like the best choice to keep her name. We didn’t have to deal with any “unusual” name issues – her full name is basically the equivalent to Jane Smith in China (where she is from) and her ‘personal’ name is one that is fairly common both in China and in the US. We chose to keep her full Chinese name as her first name (which does make it somewhat uncommon) but we use personal name much more often than the full one. Sort of like calling a “Yekaterina”, Kate.
But, as Dawn said – most of the other people within the adoption community that I know do choose a new/different name for their children. And it really comes down to feeling good about whatever choice one comes to, and realizing that our children are going to feel however they choose when they are old enough to have an opinion. And none of us know how our child will feel until then.
Good luck with your adoption plans – I hope Josie has a safe delivery and the baby is healthy (I know she will be beautiful – all babies are).
Another tricky topic!
I think the age of the child makes a difference. I think if I was adopting internationally I wold want to honor the child’s first culture by keeping teh birth name as a middle name at least. I have friends from other cultures (not adopted) who took on an Amewrican name because the culural name was an issue, so I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong in adoption either.
In our case, like you, we are hoping to adopt a domestic newborn, so for me it will depend on the relationship/situaltion with the birthmom.
I would feel good about using her choice as a middle name and I also feel as the day to day parents we should have a say in the day to day name.
I agree with some of the posters above that some of this “controversy” seems a bit contrived and melodramatic. If the name works for you, adoring and Josie… consider yourself blessed! We can’t predict our our children will feel when they get older. Absent a crystal ball, we have to make the best decisions we can and move on. Some of these “It’s Bad To Do This” posts cause endless second-guessing, which I don’t think is in the best interest of the child.
We picked out a name Celia Beth, and our firstmom didn’t like the name but she said it was our choice and put it on the birth certificate and all other documents. She favored the name “Precious,” which I plan to share with Celia when she gets older. If she wants to take this name, she is free to do so. I find myself calling her that as a nickname all the time.
Adoption is so complex, why do “advocates” insist on creating drama where there is none?
You definitely have every right to name your daughter as you see fit. I’m really surprised at all of the debate, but its very interesting to learn new controversies.
You and your husband will be the ones to feed, clothe, nurture, support, teach and everything else for her. I think you should be able to name her what you want. It is so very nice of you to consider what Josie wants too.
I am very happy for you!!! Congratulations!!!!
Hi, stumbled on your blog from Stirrup Queens blog and felt a need to post to this comment although at this late date, I’m not sure if you will notice. Speaking from the perspective of someone who is adopted although I know that not everyone feels the same way as me, I have no problem with the fact that my adoptive parents changed my name. I’m actually very glad as I just can’t see myself as a Doreen but Michell is workable (even if it usually gets spelled wrong). I was adopted as an infant (6 weeks I think?) and have no memory of my name other than my adoptive mom telling me what it was.
We changed our daughter’s name. I wrote a post about it, and her first mom even commented on it.
We kept my son’s first name (it had been on our list) and changed his middle name.
My daughter knows her birth name. She is 15, and doesn’t relate to it in any way. I would love it if she used it for one of her children, but that will be up to her.
I need help!I am a recovering meth-addict who by the grace of God got sober 1 month before i gave birth to my daughter, Nevaeh Emmanuelle, born healthy, and tested negative for meth. I was in an abortion clinic at 21 weeks, but i asked to see the ultrasound, and i couldn’t go through with it. i tried to get sober but couldn’t for very long. I prayed and i called her by name while inside my womb. i ended up in jail, and child protection stepped in. Upon release from jail, with 34 days sober, and my drug dealer’s # in my hand, God worked another miracle, He said to me”You have a choice now, for i have removed Satan’s power over you.”, so i called my mom for help. I gave birth the next day, and the sheriff’s came to tell me she was under a C.H.I.P.S. order. I asked my sister and her husband to be emergency foster care, while i went to Hazelden for 3 months inpatient treatment. They agreed. Child Protection was going to give her back to me after i did everything they asked. I have done everything, and gotten a job, and am sober now 9 months. I know that Nevaeh has so much love with my sister, her husband, and their 4 girls! I have decided to have them adopt her permanently. She has bonded with them now since they brought her home from the hospital, she’s 8 months old now. I love her so much,for i believe she was God’s plan to save my life. It would cause more harm if i were to take her out of the loving family she has. But here is where i need help, my sister for whatever her reasons, wants to change my daughter’s first and middle name. This hurts me so deeply, for it has profound meaning for me, i called her by her name the day i walked out of the abortion clinic. She responds to her name, it’s the one thing i gave to her, God gave her life, not i. My sister knows how i feel, even our mother has tried to get her to understand. Please if anyone has input or information on possible psychological damage, or affects of what changing my daughter’s name could do to her, or how you feel about it, please email me so i can forward it to my sister in hopes that she will change her mind. Thank you and God Bless, Stephanie S. Email:livingdeadgirl.8@hotmail.com