Welcome To The Dollhouse

Saturday Randomness

Yeah, I know you’ve thought I dropped off the face of the earth, but no, I’m still here. I’ve had several blog posts swirling around in my brain but my energy level was so low, I just couldn’t get into them.

In fact, I started this post on Saturday, thus the title. Please note that today is Tuesday. WTF! I’m so out of the groove.

Well let me continue what I started on Saturday. Instead of several coherent blog posts, you will get one swirling, random blog post containing all my thoughts from the 10 or so days. Hang on tight…it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

For a person who generally has no social life, last weekend was a whirlwind for me as I had 3 events! Yes 3! Miraculous.

First on Saturday early afternoon I had a visit from Josie and her new boyfriend Glen. The funny thing about this visit is how it almost didn’t happen. Someone asked me recently whether Josie had visited Little Girl lately. And I was like no, I’m waiting for her to let me know when she wants to see her. I remembered that on our first meeting Josie said that she wasn’t sure she would be able to see the baby during the first year. Clearly that changed after she got to know us and Zara was born, but I still didn’t want to push. I figured that she would tell me when she wanted to visit.

Yet after that person asked me, I realized that Josie, my twin born 20 years later, would probably be waiting for ME to suggest a visit, so as not to be pushy. After all, were I in her situation, that is how I would play it. So it dawned upon me to call her and see what she was up to. And what did she say when I asked her about whether she was interested in a visit? “I’ve been thinking about you all and wanted to come see you but didn’t want to be pushy.” Are we twins or what?

So we planned for her to come up on the 18th. This was her first visit to our house. And yes, I admit that part of me tripped about that a teensy bit, but then I was like, I know Josie, and I stopped trippin’.

We had a great visit. Glen is a love and really seems to care about Josie. I’m glad that they found each other again after having dated in middle school. We all went out to lunch and did a lot of cooing over Miss Zizi. I worried that it might be awkward or that there might be role confusion, but we had none of that. At the end of the visit, Josie told me that she had been concerned about how she’d feel seeing Little Girl and us, but she was OK. The whole visit left her feeling positive.

This visit allowed me the chance to give her the tangled heart necklace that I had bought for her a while ago. The tangled hearts signify the entwining of the firstmother, adoptive mother and baby’s hearts that happens with adoption. She liked it and put it on right away. I also gave her a framed handprint and picture from Little Girl.

As she left, I made her promise to let me know if she is craving another visit. We’re family now and neither of us should be worried about being pushy. Except I am allowed to be pushy when it concerns her and her college plans!

Later that afternoon, I took Zizi to a barbecue at one of my old colleagues house. This was great because it allowed me to see some of my old co-workers who I hadn’t seen in almost 2 years. They all tried to steal Miss Zizi from me, though that wasn’t happening. Yet the really funny part was their all being shocked at how happy I was to be a mom. They thought I didn’t like kids, since that was my hardcore persona back in the day. What I didn’t want to tell them was that I didn’t like their kids! I’m kidding, of course. At least I think I am.

The next day was the day of Millie. I must truly love this woman because I packed up Little Girl and drove 80 miles out to a rainy…very rainy…renaissance festival in the middle of Bumfuck, Pennsylvania. Millie’s DH’s family reunion was taking place in that godforsaken location. But the chance to see Miss Northern California Millie was too much for me to resist.

Little Girl, happily tucked in her Orbit, missed the brunt of the rain. But Liana who thought she had an umbrella but didn’t, got wet. Nasty wet. You know the kind of wet that seeps into your bones? Because Renaissance Fairs do not believe in covered shelters. The enjoyment is best spent outdoors. Even the wine tasting was outdoors!

But Miss Millie and her dear hubby were divine (except for the attempted acquisition of both baby and Orbit in one fell swoop). They fussed over Miss Zizi and listened to her singing and conversation. When we all had finally had enough of ye old lads and lasses of the faire, we managed to find one of the two sit down restaurants in a 10 mile radius for a dinner. While Zara slept, we spent a bit of time discussing how infertility has shaped us. I admitted that while I would love to say that I’m over my resentment of pregnant women now that I have the extraordinary Zizi, the truth is that I’m not. Much of me has healed since becoming a mother, but there remains a part that still feels less than for not being able to achieve a successful pregnancy. I wish that this brokenness had left me when Zara was placed in my arms, but no dice. I still suffer the wounds sustained along the journey to parenthood. Ah well.

But in more upbeat baby news, Miss Zizi has managed to fully roll over while swaddled. She can’t seem to get past the tipping point when not swaddled…yet. But she is truly working on it. However, since I have run into her room to find her face down and crying all wrapped in her Miracle Blanket, I decided to check the website to see when we were supposed to discontinue use of said device. Well it said 3 1/2 to 4 months. Guess we are right on schedule.

She’s also doing cool things like reaching for objects and staring at herself in the mirror (harbingers of things to come during adolescence). And I got an entire serenade this morning on her way to daycare.

I’ve got to thank wedreamofbaby for having suggested the Podee Baby Bottle – Handsfree Feeding System. Though we didn’t get one in time for our trip to Hawaii (since dear BabiesRUs decided to put them in a different section than the regular bottles, for some reason), we started using them while out with her in the stroller and at daycare. Now Miss Zizi has developed a preference for Podee over Avent! Go figure.

(And just an aside about the stroller. I get so many questions about that Orbit that I finally wrote to the company and asked if they had some cards that I could hand out to interested people. Even Josie saw the stares when we were in the restaurant. It’s like Bugaboo, who? Personally I think the Orbit people should give me a commission!)

That’s enough for tonight! More to come.


11 Responses to “Saturday Randomness”

  1. Gabrielle says:

    OMG! Please get Zizi singing on video…I’ve got to hear her! I bet its the sweetest sound.

  2. Lynnette says:

    My god, that baby is pretty! Is #26 “poopy face” or just giggly? What a cutie-pie. I really liked 34.

    I know what you mean about needing cards to hand out. We never even get any walking done, when we’re out in our Phil & Ted’s Sport. They barely even look at the babies, they’re so busy asking about the stroller!

  3. Sylvie says:

    I am so glad you guys had such a great visit with Josie. I am sure it is the first of many many more.

  4. beagle says:

    Wow, so much to comment on . . . the pendant is beautiful, very thoughtful gift! The photos are AMAZING! I’m so glad you have this wonderful connection with Josie and that the contact feels so comfortable for all of you. This is SO reassuring for me to hear. Open adoption at it’s best!
    :-)

  5. Kellie says:

    Wow, Liana. Beautiful photos of an absolutely gorgeous girl! I wouldn’t be able to decide either.

    I’m so glad that the meeting with Josie and the connection you guys have is present. (wow, what a bad sentence). Anyway, she sounds like just a wonderful person and the necklace is so beautiful.

  6. So much to comment on indeed! I held my breath reading about your visit with Josie, preparing myself for something that didn’t happen after all. Phew. Glad the visit went so well. I wish many of the same for you all.

    And, I appreciate your continued honesty about the impact of infertility. You are an amazing and devoted mother … but it’s reassuring to me — and it is all about me, after all! ;-) — to know that I’m not the only one who can feel resentful when I see pregnant women, even after moving on to a life post-IF treatment. Sigh. The scars remain…

    • teendoc says:

      Oh absolutely. The scars definitely remain. The reaction is almost phobic when I see pregnant women. I avert my eyes and feel the need to run as far as possible. I feel so useless and barren around them. And I know that this is a creation of my head (meaning that the pregnant women have nothing to do with it) and I need to get over it. But it hasn’t happened as yet. :-(

  7. Angela says:

    I just love the pics of Zara. She is so beautiful!

    I’m glad your visit went well with Josie – I’m just wondering though. How does she relate to Zara? Did she hold her? Do you feel awkward at all? That was very thoughtful of you to give her that necklace, it must have made her feel really treasured.

    Also, thanks for acknowledging that you still felt a little pang of envy when you see pregnant women. I still wish it were me at times.

    • teendoc says:

      She said she relates to Zara as if she were the child of someone she truly cares about. She held her and “loved her up,” as we call it, but seemed completely comfortable with AH and I as her parents.

      Josie is, as I have said many times before, an amazing young woman. I am so impressed with her fortitude.

      And god yes, seeing pregnant women still reminds me of my own failure to stay pregnant. One day it will get better, I hope. But I am still scarred.

  8. Angela says:

    By the way, sorry it was so hard for you to leave your comment. I have no idea what was up with Blogger. Your comment was very important to me anyway.

  9. Phe says:

    Hi, Teendoc,

    Zara is BEAUTIFUL. Congrats to your family…

    I literally just found this blog entry because I Googled something like “resentment baby infertility.” DH and I have been dealing with IF for the last three years, I’ve known I have reproductive issues for the last 10 years.

    I was feeling a little extra down in the dumps today because my dh’s 19-year-old sister just gave birth to our family’s first grandchild yesterday afternoon. I have been weepy ever since. She’s young, no job, no education and no sense… I can’t help feeling resentful and sorry for myself. And I hate feeling sorry for myself… But I’ve had two ectopics and two failed ivf tries (one fresh, one frozen, for a total of six lost embies). We have three more in cryo and plan to transfer this fall. But I want to start our home study so we can move right into adoption if things don’t go well. I have always wanted to adopt. I just didn’t know it might be the only way I would be a mom. I would love to learn about your experience.

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