And What Do I Say To That?
ere’s the situation. AdoringHusband and I are often out and about with Miss Zizi, who, by the way, is growing cuter with each passing day. It will happen that we will be at someone’s barbecue, chilling out, and the conversation turns to our fabulous Zara. There will be the whole nanny versus day care question, then asking about how much time I took off after she was born. Yet when people start asking about “my pregnancy with her” and her birth, I do acknowledge that she joined our family through adoption.
We aren’t at all ashamed of how she came to us, but I am trying to be mindful, even when she is at an age where she doesn’t understand much language, that her adoption story is hers, and is not for me to be telling everyone in sight. Yet we are thrilled that we chose adoption to build our family. As AH says, she could have come from outer space and it wouldn’t change a thing about how much we adore her. So sometimes we get caught in the tell/don’t tell quandary.
But back to the situation…so we tell that she joined our family through adoption, and then the person almost always says, “she looks like she could be your biological child.”
While AH takes that as a compliment (she’s more beautiful than I ever could be!) and says “thank you,” I end up trying to dissect hidden meanings from that statement. Is it supposed to make us feel better that she “fits” within our family unit and doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb?
You know that my natural paranoia is getting the better of me.
But, my friends, I know you will give me the straight skinny. Is this just an innocent statement being made by people who mean no harm, or is there hidden meaning? Give me your thoughts.
(PS. speaking of skinny, I’m now down 12 pounds!)
First of all congrats on the 12 pounds!!! Awesome job. As far as the comments go- Zara is beautiful and obviously has a beautiful family, take it as a compliment instead of attaching negative to it. I have never adopted so I don’t know the depths of what you must deal with emotionally or sociologically, but whenever people insist they know who one of my children looks like (some are spot on but some are quite wrong) I just smile and nod. The most important thing is that I have been blessed with them in my life regardless what anyone else in this world thinks or implies.
Woohoo! Twelve pounds! You earned every bit of that and you have every right to be proud.
I think that comments like that are made by people who want to validate Zizi’s place in your family and just don’t know any other way to do it. It’s meant in an affirming way, kind of like “Oh! Awesome! She’s every bit as much a part of you as she would be if she had your genetic makeup.” Only people don’t really know how to articulate that thought, so they say she looks like your biological child and hope you understand how happy they are for you.
And like Yolanda said, don’t attach the negative by saying that she’s far prettier than you’ll ever be. Zizi is adorable now and will grow up to be a fantastically beautiful woman. Just like you. So the next time someone gives you a compliment, looks-wise, just smile big and say “Thank you!” even if you don’t really feel it, and remember that truth is objective, whether you believe in it or not. You are beautiful.
Two or three generations ago, young pregnant women were hidden from the public and their babies spirited away. Adoptive families either hid the fact that their children were adopted or were treated as martyrs for taking in unwanted “bastards”. Being “barren” was an embarrassment.
The next generation learned from the previous, they were more open but, it still wasn’t considered polite dinner conversation. Young or single women had abortions or raised their children in situations that would have resulted in adoption 20 or 30 years before. There were wide spread horror stories involving domestic adoption for all points of the triad. Adoptive parents now searched internationally. A child’s origins were more often than not blatantly obvious at first glance.
When you tell someone that youre an adoptive parent, you catch them off guard. I think people have forgotten that same race babies are still adopted domestically. I think their reaction is more on the side of Wow! I never would have guessed! Wait till some idiot says something like, “How could anyone give up such a beautiful baby?” They dont mean that as an insult either. Its a reaction to a curve ball. Thats all.
PS try not to punch the first person who says that. Say something like “Well she was ugly when she was born, her mother didnt know she would turn out cute”
I have to agree that the commnets, most likely, are meant well. People just don’t know what to say. Most people have enough trouble getting etiquette right for common scenarios! But that doesn’t mean you (and all adoptive parents) don’t feel annnoyed/confused/whatever by some of those well-meant comments some of the time.
When I talked with our counselor about telling people about our future child’s adoption story (to curious people, etc) our counselor pointed out something that has stayed with me: There is a difference between secrecy and privacy. Keeping Zizi’s story her (and your) private business is not the same as keeping it secret or being ashamed. So I think you are right on target with your approach.
And congrats on the weight loss!
I don’t think anything is meant negatively by it, and honestly, I’ve thought it myself about Zara! I can relate, though. SO many people comment on how much Charlie looks like Dan–I sometimes wonder if they don’t say he looks like me because they don’t quite get that he’s also genetically related to me since I didn’t carry or give birth to him. I think he does resemble me at times, but few people say that. And I think I’m just being paranoid since we’ve spent so many years processing and dodging hurtful comments about our infertility so I try to ignore it. And truly, I love that he looks like Dan.
Anyway…Try not to let it bother you! I always think it’s so cool when I meet adopted children who resemble their parents.
My goodness I’ve heard it my whole life! As an adopted person and as an adoptive mother I have heard it more times than I can count. I think it is one of those thoughtless little “compliments” people say when they don’t know what else to say. I agree- just say “she is so lovely I have to thank you for such a kind compliment!.” I have a friend that adopted from China and she shared that many people tell her how much she looks like her daughter. And at the school where both my sons attend there was a substitute teacher that thought I was babysitting my son (biological) and a biological parent to my (adopted) son…”because we look so much alike”! I have laughed about that for months. Most folks are so innocent and well meaning it is hard to take offense… an what a great time to educate them about adoption!
Great to catch up on your blog, and WOW! 12 pounds is great. I wish I could do that right now! You GO!
-Joanna
Ditto to all the above. People always say whatever makes them feel better. Some people think I’m an saint and selfless for adopting which is weird to me.
Congratulations on the 12 pounds!
I agree with the commenters above. Most people don’t mean anything by it. Take it as a complement! You are beautiful and she is beautiful.
12lbs - that is friggin awesome! I’m so happy for you!
We’ve gotten the comments that Dylan resembles Marc (to which we just look confused and say really??). I think people say it because they think it’s what we want to hear. I’m sure not everyone wants to have a family that stands out in the crowd so they project that uncomfortableness onto us. ~shrug~ You are a beautiful family.
Congrats on the 12!
It is hard work!
I don’t think people mean anything by it. People say that StillaBaby looks like both of us. I just smile…even the people who “get it” say it all the time. I think it’s true myself, but I know that she has a birth family who she looks like as well.
Doesn’t bother me.
We’ve been getting a lot of comments like that too. “She looks like she could be yours” Ugg. Or “her hair looks just like yours.”
Other people peer in close to my face to see “what color are your eyes?” It’s all kind of like Biology 101 in high school! Ugg.
No one means any ill will by it, but it is still annoying.
As my mom says, “Little Miss looks like HERSELF!”
I think it’s both. I really think some people say it as a way to make you feel good about adopting (as if you need them to help make you feel good), but I think often people really mean it. In your case I think it is true. Because Z looks like a blend of you both in regards to skin tone. I really think in my son’s case people overdo it with the whole Gav looks like us, he’s my husband’s complextion but really does not share our features per say. I am not offended by it, they said if you feed them long enough they will look like you. Maybe it’s true, I don’t know. They will probably stop saying it when Gavin’s like 12 years old and 6 ft 2 with parents who are runts like us!
I think people probably don’t generally have hidden meaning when they say that, more likely they just don’t know what to say. I’m amazed at how much people are obsessed with who the baby looks like. We used an egg donor (which only a few people know) and so I get a lot of “she looks like you” which doesn’t really bother me but I think is strange. How about just say she’s beautiful or fabulous or whatever, why do people feel the need to try and connect her to me? It’s not like we have any control over what our children look like whether we are biologically connected so why the fuss?
12 pounds? Huzzah!
What everybody else said - it’s meant as a compliment. We got that a lot when School Girl was younger. Now people can’t stop talking about how tall she is. Then they give little 5′1″ me funny looks…
I’m starting to believe that many issues related to the breeding and raising of children trigger really ancient “lizard brain” responses. Some folks have their tongue connected right to that lizard brain and just start snapping it reflexively - not actually thinking about what they say!
My eyes are tired I hope I am not being redundant.
I would let it go for 2 reasons:
1) I am growing towards the idea that sharing our experiences with others as much as possible. You never know who might also be considering adoption? Or who you might influence. I know I asked you a BUNCH of questions earlier this year about your experience and you helped me out a great deal. Sure, it mght be easier to “chat” with a stranger on the internet… LOL
Also, Z is adopted and one day she’ll tell her own story. I would hope that if her story is surrounded by love and praise and aafrimation and awesome wonder from the begining, it will help her “feel” those emotions internally.
2) I think sometimes people want to say something “nice” — but they don’t know what. I’ve stuck a foot in my mouth many moons ago… ok. not so far in the past but you know what I mean.
I figure if people are trying and mean well, sometimes it is best to let it go. If I thought the person was being malicious, I’d lean in the other direction.
Hi L -
Wild that I found my way here through another blog - I remember you from the FF board some years back. Congrats on your beautiful daughter!
Is there “hidden meaning” to the statement? As a White adoptive parent with a DH and child of color, I’d say potentially yes, on multiple levels. From my experience, I’d doubt the speaker is conscious of those meanings, though, and would likely just perceive the comment as innocuous.
(1) I think on some level the comment arises from the assumption that “biological is better” and they’re saying you got a really good “reproduction” of the “real thing.”
(2) I think sometimes the comment arises from a lack of ability to recognize that all “x” people don’t look alike. I can’t tell you how many times ethnic outsiders will say my kid looks like my DH. They look nothing alike. They have the same hair color and eye color. That’s it. They hail from different regions of the same country and have different facial features, different skin tones, different hair texture…etc.
(3) I think sometimes it’s an attempt to say “I don’t see adoption” (which bears some resemblance to people who say “I don’t see race”).
Looking forward to checking out your blog some more…
I think you are right to be thinking about this. While it is very possible these comments are nothing more than attempts at making conversation, one day your daughter will be old enough to understand them. She will be looking to you to figure out how to respond, and the more you’ve thought through your own reactions, the better you will be able to address hers. Coincidentally I have a post this week about the same topic from a different point of view: how to deal with comments when it is obvious our daughter is adopted (’Why do you ask’).
I haven’t read through all the comments so I may be repeating…I think it means nothing at all. People don’t always know what to say or they say something they think you want to hear. Whatever the case, it means nothing. You have just begun; don’t let this one tiny spot get you all twisted out of shape. Speaking of shape, congratulations on losing 12 pounds!
I totally think its meant to be a compliment. I can picture myself uttering the same words. I have often thought that myself when I look and you, DH and Z. It’s meant to make you feel good.
BTW, Congrats on the 12lbs. I am so jealous. lol
kisses
Congratulations on the weight loss!
I agree with the majority of the comments so far. I’m sure that they don’t consciously mean anything by the comment. It’s more than likely meant as a compliment when someone really doesn’t know what to say.
In my world adoption, IF, and even fertility are still so taboo. No one I encounter IRL seems to ever know the proper thing to say when confronted with any of them.
I have been thinking about this for a few days, and I wanted to put in my .02.
My husband is adopting my sons, hopefully this month (please, God and Family Court), and we get similar comments at times. About how the boys look like him (they don’t), or how neat it is that they are all three years apart and their new sister is three years older than my oldest, and if you put them all together they totally look like a stair-step sibling set.
The way I choose to look at those comments is that they’re not saying, “Oh, yay, he’s just as good as a BIOLOGICAL father.” Please. If their biological father were such a gift we’d be working to keep him in their lives. No, the way I take it is more like they’re saying how neatly the puzzle peices have come together. As though God or the universe were working on our behalf to cobble together this gorgeous picture of family.
But then again, I never realized that when someone says, “have you lost weight?” what they mean is “boy you were fat,” until a…erm….friend pointed that out to me.
hi… I love this topic..
and I don’t think they look like us either…
this scenario happens to me almost daily… I say all sort of snappy returns… Like my boys are cuter then us.. or even outlandish ones .. like: “Are you thinking that because they are white??” (meaning.. some people happen to have children through adoption that happen to be of the same race…) and this was not our motivation to have our children in our family and it pretty mush stops the conversation.
I think people want to find a connection with people and that is all that they can come up with.. I do not think it to be a complement. but a kind of lame way to make conversation. If you think my kids are cute.. join the club… they ARE fantastic…
MY Best friend who is a mother to a DD through Adoption… explained it to me in a good way.. I point this out most of the time… and that is..
That when we raise our children, we teach them how to smile, how to laugh, to make expressions…and this makes our children “look like us” . Also I believe that in human nature and open Adoption our kids birthmoms picked folks that they related to and naturally were drawn to similar looking parents.
but What do I know…