Comments on: And What Do I Say To That? http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/#utm_source=feed&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=feed?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=and-what-do-i-say-to-that This isn't going according to plan... Mon, 21 May 2012 12:13:04 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: lydia http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/comment-page-1/#comment-1982 lydia Sun, 04 Nov 2007 21:39:48 +0000 http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/#comment-1982 hi... I love this topic.. this scenario happens to me almost daily... I say all sort of snappy returns... Like my boys are cuter then us.. or even outlandish ones .. like: "Are you thinking that because they are white??" (meaning.. some people happen to have children through adoption that happen to be of the same race...) and this was not our motivation to have our children in our family and it pretty mush stops the conversation. I think people want to find a connection with people and that is all that they can come up with.. I do not think it to be a complement. but a kind of lame way to make conversation. If you think my kids are cute.. join the club... they ARE fantastic... ;-) and I don't think they look like us either... MY Best friend who is a mother to a DD through Adoption... explained it to me in a good way.. I point this out most of the time... and that is.. That when we raise our children, we teach them how to smile, how to laugh, to make expressions...and this makes our children "look like us" . Also I believe that in human nature and open Adoption our kids birthmoms picked folks that they related to and naturally were drawn to similar looking parents. but What do I know... hi… I love this topic..
this scenario happens to me almost daily… I say all sort of snappy returns… Like my boys are cuter then us.. or even outlandish ones .. like: “Are you thinking that because they are white??” (meaning.. some people happen to have children through adoption that happen to be of the same race…) and this was not our motivation to have our children in our family and it pretty mush stops the conversation.
I think people want to find a connection with people and that is all that they can come up with.. I do not think it to be a complement. but a kind of lame way to make conversation. If you think my kids are cute.. join the club… they ARE fantastic… ;-) and I don’t think they look like us either…

MY Best friend who is a mother to a DD through Adoption… explained it to me in a good way.. I point this out most of the time… and that is..
That when we raise our children, we teach them how to smile, how to laugh, to make expressions…and this makes our children “look like us” . Also I believe that in human nature and open Adoption our kids birthmoms picked folks that they related to and naturally were drawn to similar looking parents.
but What do I know…

]]> By: Kira http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/comment-page-1/#comment-1979 Kira Fri, 02 Nov 2007 19:31:34 +0000 http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/#comment-1979 I have been thinking about this for a few days, and I wanted to put in my .02. My husband is adopting my sons, hopefully this month (please, God and Family Court), and we get similar comments at times. About how the boys look like him (they don't), or how neat it is that they are all three years apart and their new sister is three years older than my oldest, and if you put them all together they totally look like a stair-step sibling set. The way I choose to look at those comments is that they're not saying, "Oh, yay, he's just as good as a BIOLOGICAL father." Please. If their biological father were such a gift we'd be working to keep him in their lives. No, the way I take it is more like they're saying how neatly the puzzle peices have come together. As though God or the universe were working on our behalf to cobble together this gorgeous picture of family. But then again, I never realized that when someone says, "have you lost weight?" what they mean is "boy you were fat," until a...erm....friend pointed that out to me. I have been thinking about this for a few days, and I wanted to put in my .02.
My husband is adopting my sons, hopefully this month (please, God and Family Court), and we get similar comments at times. About how the boys look like him (they don’t), or how neat it is that they are all three years apart and their new sister is three years older than my oldest, and if you put them all together they totally look like a stair-step sibling set.
The way I choose to look at those comments is that they’re not saying, “Oh, yay, he’s just as good as a BIOLOGICAL father.” Please. If their biological father were such a gift we’d be working to keep him in their lives. No, the way I take it is more like they’re saying how neatly the puzzle peices have come together. As though God or the universe were working on our behalf to cobble together this gorgeous picture of family.
But then again, I never realized that when someone says, “have you lost weight?” what they mean is “boy you were fat,” until a…erm….friend pointed that out to me.

]]> By: Amanda http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/comment-page-1/#comment-1971 Amanda Tue, 30 Oct 2007 18:52:53 +0000 http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/#comment-1971 Congratulations on the weight loss! I agree with the majority of the comments so far. I'm sure that they don't consciously mean anything by the comment. It's more than likely meant as a compliment when someone really doesn't know <i>what</i> to say. In my world adoption, IF, and even fertility are still so taboo. No one I encounter IRL seems to ever know the proper thing to say when confronted with any of them. Congratulations on the weight loss!

I agree with the majority of the comments so far. I’m sure that they don’t consciously mean anything by the comment. It’s more than likely meant as a compliment when someone really doesn’t know what to say.

In my world adoption, IF, and even fertility are still so taboo. No one I encounter IRL seems to ever know the proper thing to say when confronted with any of them.

]]> By: Gabrielle http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/comment-page-1/#comment-1969 Gabrielle Sat, 27 Oct 2007 06:39:10 +0000 http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/#comment-1969 I totally think its meant to be a compliment. I can picture myself uttering the same words. I have often thought that myself when I look and you, DH and Z. It's meant to make you feel good. BTW, Congrats on the 12lbs. I am so jealous. lol kisses I totally think its meant to be a compliment. I can picture myself uttering the same words. I have often thought that myself when I look and you, DH and Z. It’s meant to make you feel good.
BTW, Congrats on the 12lbs. I am so jealous. lol
kisses

]]> By: Neko http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/comment-page-1/#comment-1968 Neko Sat, 27 Oct 2007 00:22:42 +0000 http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/#comment-1968 I haven't read through all the comments so I may be repeating...I think it means nothing at all. People don't always know what to say or they say something they think you want to hear. Whatever the case, it means nothing. You have just begun; don't let this one tiny spot get you all twisted out of shape. Speaking of shape, congratulations on losing 12 pounds! I haven’t read through all the comments so I may be repeating…I think it means nothing at all. People don’t always know what to say or they say something they think you want to hear. Whatever the case, it means nothing. You have just begun; don’t let this one tiny spot get you all twisted out of shape. Speaking of shape, congratulations on losing 12 pounds!

]]> By: Shrijnana http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/comment-page-1/#comment-1967 Shrijnana Fri, 26 Oct 2007 21:00:16 +0000 http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/#comment-1967 I think you are right to be thinking about this. While it is very possible these comments are nothing more than attempts at making conversation, one day your daughter will be old enough to understand them. She will be looking to you to figure out how to respond, and the more you've thought through your own reactions, the better you will be able to address hers. Coincidentally I have a post this week about the same topic from a different point of view: how to deal with comments when it is obvious our daughter is adopted ('Why do you ask'). I think you are right to be thinking about this. While it is very possible these comments are nothing more than attempts at making conversation, one day your daughter will be old enough to understand them. She will be looking to you to figure out how to respond, and the more you’ve thought through your own reactions, the better you will be able to address hers. Coincidentally I have a post this week about the same topic from a different point of view: how to deal with comments when it is obvious our daughter is adopted (‘Why do you ask’).

]]> By: Psychobabbler http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/comment-page-1/#comment-1966 Psychobabbler Fri, 26 Oct 2007 16:22:12 +0000 http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/#comment-1966 Hi L - Wild that I found my way here through another blog - I remember you from the FF board some years back. Congrats on your beautiful daughter! Is there "hidden meaning" to the statement? As a White adoptive parent with a DH and child of color, I'd say potentially yes, on multiple levels. From my experience, I'd doubt the speaker is conscious of those meanings, though, and would likely just perceive the comment as innocuous. (1) I think on some level the comment arises from the assumption that "biological is better" and they're saying you got a really good "reproduction" of the "real thing." (2) I think sometimes the comment arises from a lack of ability to recognize that all "x" people don't look alike. I can't tell you how many times ethnic outsiders will say my kid looks like my DH. They look nothing alike. They have the same hair color and eye color. That's it. They hail from different regions of the same country and have different facial features, different skin tones, different hair texture...etc. (3) I think sometimes it's an attempt to say "I don't see adoption" (which bears some resemblance to people who say "I don't see race"). Looking forward to checking out your blog some more... Hi L -

Wild that I found my way here through another blog – I remember you from the FF board some years back. Congrats on your beautiful daughter!

Is there “hidden meaning” to the statement? As a White adoptive parent with a DH and child of color, I’d say potentially yes, on multiple levels. From my experience, I’d doubt the speaker is conscious of those meanings, though, and would likely just perceive the comment as innocuous.

(1) I think on some level the comment arises from the assumption that “biological is better” and they’re saying you got a really good “reproduction” of the “real thing.”

(2) I think sometimes the comment arises from a lack of ability to recognize that all “x” people don’t look alike. I can’t tell you how many times ethnic outsiders will say my kid looks like my DH. They look nothing alike. They have the same hair color and eye color. That’s it. They hail from different regions of the same country and have different facial features, different skin tones, different hair texture…etc.

(3) I think sometimes it’s an attempt to say “I don’t see adoption” (which bears some resemblance to people who say “I don’t see race”).

Looking forward to checking out your blog some more…

]]> By: sherri http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/comment-page-1/#comment-1965 sherri Fri, 26 Oct 2007 02:01:39 +0000 http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/#comment-1965 My eyes are tired I hope I am not being redundant. I would let it go for 2 reasons: 1) I am growing towards the idea that sharing our experiences with others as much as possible. You never know who might also be considering adoption? Or who you might influence. I know I asked you a BUNCH of questions earlier this year about your experience and you helped me out a great deal. Sure, it mght be easier to "chat" with a stranger on the internet... LOL Also, Z is adopted and one day she'll tell her own story. I would hope that if her story is surrounded by love and praise and aafrimation and awesome wonder from the begining, it will help her "feel" those emotions internally. 2) I think sometimes people want to say something "nice" -- but they don't know what. I've stuck a foot in my mouth many moons ago... ok. not so far in the past but you know what I mean. I figure if people are trying and mean well, sometimes it is best to let it go. If I thought the person was being malicious, I'd lean in the other direction. My eyes are tired I hope I am not being redundant.

I would let it go for 2 reasons:
1) I am growing towards the idea that sharing our experiences with others as much as possible. You never know who might also be considering adoption? Or who you might influence. I know I asked you a BUNCH of questions earlier this year about your experience and you helped me out a great deal. Sure, it mght be easier to “chat” with a stranger on the internet… LOL
Also, Z is adopted and one day she’ll tell her own story. I would hope that if her story is surrounded by love and praise and aafrimation and awesome wonder from the begining, it will help her “feel” those emotions internally.
2) I think sometimes people want to say something “nice” — but they don’t know what. I’ve stuck a foot in my mouth many moons ago… ok. not so far in the past but you know what I mean.

I figure if people are trying and mean well, sometimes it is best to let it go. If I thought the person was being malicious, I’d lean in the other direction.

]]> By: Marcia http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/comment-page-1/#comment-1964 Marcia Thu, 25 Oct 2007 23:25:00 +0000 http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/#comment-1964 I'm starting to believe that many issues related to the breeding and raising of children trigger really ancient "lizard brain" responses. Some folks have their tongue connected right to that lizard brain and just start snapping it reflexively - not actually thinking about what they say! I’m starting to believe that many issues related to the breeding and raising of children trigger really ancient “lizard brain” responses. Some folks have their tongue connected right to that lizard brain and just start snapping it reflexively – not actually thinking about what they say!

]]> By: spyderkl http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/comment-page-1/#comment-1963 spyderkl Thu, 25 Oct 2007 13:06:25 +0000 http://lianaandmason.com/dollhouse/2007/10/23/and-what-do-i-say-to-that/#comment-1963 12 pounds? Huzzah! What everybody else said - it's meant as a compliment. We got that a lot when School Girl was younger. Now people can't stop talking about how tall she is. Then they give little 5'1" me funny looks... 12 pounds? Huzzah!

What everybody else said – it’s meant as a compliment. We got that a lot when School Girl was younger. Now people can’t stop talking about how tall she is. Then they give little 5’1″ me funny looks…

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