Catalog Hell
efore I begin this next post, I want to thank all of you who responded to the burning question from last week’s Settling In. Just to clarify, I didn’t mean to imply that I didn’t read in the bathroom. No, that’s the only place where I get a moment to read my People Magazine. Yet I would not consider myself to be settled in on the throne. I’m just there reading for a few minutes. If I have to get off, no biggie. Now if I’m settled in my comfortable chaise in the family room reading, then that’s a place I am not a happy camper about having to get unsettled from. I’m just not feeling the idea of settling
into a toilet seat, ya feel me?
But it does seem like for many of the respondents, the Y chromosome does seem to convey a tendency toward bathroom nestification, the etiology of which is unclear. However I agree with one of the commenters (from LJ) who felt that the slow stool transit related to a male reluctance to PUSH the damn thing out! I think she’s got something there.
Now onto today’s topic. I want to know who the hell did I piss off to end up in catalog hell?
Sure I do a ton my fair share of shopping online, but that doesn’t mean that I want every catalog and that catalog’s friend to show up in my mailbox! I mean come on…I think that whole forests have been cleared to make the paper for the 5 million catalogs that we’ve been sent. Aren’t we supposed to be living green? Someone needs to inform L.L. Bean.
I understand the catalogs from the companies I purchase from. Hell, I live in Talbots. They can send me as much as they want. Ann Taylor, Janie and Jack, Olly Shoes, Baby Gap and The Children’s Place? No problemo. Even BabiesRUs is fair game.
Then comes the second stringers that you’ve purchased from in the past and it’s nice to see what they might have in stock: These are players like J. Jill, Chico’s, Simply Soles, Bluefly, One Step Ahead, Eddie Bauer and Crate and Barrel. Unfortunately some of these companies wear out their welcomes by sending entirely too many catalogs. They are like that guy you had to stop seeing because he called you way too many times…it just got creepy. Why so desperate, buddy? Williams-Sonoma, Levenger, Sierra Trading Post Man, Woman or Giraffe…you know I’m talking about you. Lillian Vernon, do you really need to send me a catalog every week? Is there really so much NEW STUFF that I need to behold? That accursed Get Organized catalog will not stop coming by e-mail or snail mail no matter how many times I call, write or add my name to the do-not-send list. It is like being infected with an incurable virus. I cannot get away!
Also, there are those companies that you ordered once from but now you really, really, really wish would just lose your address. We went out for coffee once. It was fine, but take a hint, I’ll call you if I want to do it again. Sure, I bought that digital wine chiller from you because I was desperate to find a Christmas gift, but really Hammacher Schlemmer, could you just stop sending me catalog after catalog of your weird crap. If I need something bizarre again, I have your URL…yours, Brookstone’s and Frontgate’s. So please, give it a rest.
And then there are the companies you’ve never heard of, ordered from or needed to have grace your mailbox.
- Garnet Hill: clothing and home decor. Because you never know when you might want to shop for both pants and sheets in the same catalog! What the fuck?
- Uno Alla Volta: ugly crap
- Plow & Hearth: well the first part of the name lets me know that this is NOT the catalog for me.
- Sensational Beginnings: kiddie crap
- Chasing Fireflies: odd, overpriced kiddie clothing
- Wishcraft (by Chasing Fireflies): odd, overpriced kiddie costumes
- The Wooden Soldier: clothes for future wooden children. Ugh!
- Viva Terra: earthy California/Arizona home crap
- FeelGoodStore: wha?
- OfficeScapesDirect: silk flowers, plants, & trees…wha?
Like I said, who the hell did I piss off?
But I have saved the best for last. Last Friday I received the piece de resistance, the final catalog that convinced me with utter certainty that I had entered the final circle of catalog hell. And this monstrosity was the 360 page Lakeside Collection Christmas 2008 catalog
Please imagine her royal divatudiness purchasing any of these items:
How about the kissing dogs salt and pepper shakers?
The collectible gun knives set:
(What in holy hell is a gun knife? Do you shoot it? Stab it? WTF?)
The licensed pub decor:
Or my personal favorite, the $9.95 Santa lingerie set:
(Well actually I’m torn between the gun knives and the Santa lingerie…)
Enough! I’m so done. I just found a company called Catalog Choice. According to what I’ve read, it is one of the best resources to curb catalog overload. Feel free to check them out. I’m off to enter the unwanted catalogs that I received today. If I don’t put a stop to this and soon, I’ll end up back at Lakeside ordering the Butt Station:
Help me!
I think we can all agree that one could never possibly have enough kissing dog shakers. What else goes better with antique collections of cat china.
Thanks for the catalog curbing info, I can see it being utilized in the immediate future.
Bhahaha! I’m being overrun by catalogs as well. The previous residents’ Wicca/Goth Girl/sex toys catalog is…um…interesting. As for The Wooden Soldier–I actually swoon in latent girly-girlishness at their stuff, but would never, ever spend $200 for a dress for a child that will be worn once.
Okay, I admit - I like the kissing dogs salt and pepper shakers and if I don’t have the toilet paper clip thing, I’ll die.
Oh, my. Seriously? The butt station. Ugh.
Fun stuff Liana. It could be a fun gag gift catalog!
How in the world did I live for 33 years without a butt station? TOO FUNNY!