I too am an adoptive mother and I get so overwhelmed with what everyone else says to me. Everyone has an opinion from “You’re not really going to tell your daughter that she’s adopted” to not wanting to hear anything about her birthfamily to “Wait til she yells at you and says that you’re not her “real mother” Now that one is from a friend who is an adoptive parent. I wish people would keep these opinions to themselves. We had two prior disappointments and many people did not understand at all. After the second disappointment (it was almost a disruption but the hospital would not release the baby due to a medical issue) my husband and I decided to not tell anyone when the final situation came into being. We were blessed to receive our daughter on 6/27/08 and took her home two days later and only then did we tell anyone. The opinions and everyone else’s junk was too much and having the secret between my husband and I was the best decision. No one judged us and no one gave us their opinions. It was heavenly.

No one has a crystal ball to tell us what our children will go through. The journey of our life is one that we all go through individually. With our strength and encouragement our children can walk this world with their head held high and be powerful women who know who they are and can be strong enough to tell people to mind their own business and let other people’s opinions wash off of them.

Take care-Josephine

I would say…participate in that roundtable as if the Boundaries Crossers don’t exist. By doing so, you are supporting and advocating for not only OA families, but all adoptive parents and adoptees, and those who are considering OA or other adoption. What words of hard-earned mama-wisdom, advice, and comfort do you have for them/us? There’s your focus.

The words “A man cannot serve to masters come to mind”–I don’t think you can advocate/share as fully as your heart desires AND concern yourself with the anti-adoption Boundary Crossers. They are a lost cause, imo.

One other thought as an adoptive mom myself…right now my 5-year-old daughter is going through such angst and drama related to her adoption (and sibling issues and divorce issues…) that frankly, I’m too tired to even think about what someone who is anti-adoption has to say about anything. It’s all I can do to raise this kid without drinking for breakfast!

Seriously…some adoptive kids (and first mothers) DO have “issues”, but 1) those issues aren’t always insurmountable, and 2) who doesn’t have some issues/growing pains, adopted or not?

I wish you all the best with the Roundtable. Your words are always so thoughtful, challenging, and necessary. Just think about the folks who are learning at your feet, as it were, during this OA Roundtable, and forget the rest. Easier said than done…I know.

I’m cheering for you!
~Deesha

I agree with Kellie that people find it a lot easier to yell when angry, and a lot easier to find something to get angry about when they are unable to conceive of others having a different experience. Whenever I try to think of something from someone else’s point of view, it inevitably results in my feeling a whole lot less angry … and a whole lot less likely to throw up an ill-advised post or comment.

I think that part of the problem with this particular issue is that while our hearts don’t bleed for the wacko doctor assassins, and it’s easy to shut them out, we don’t WANT to just ignore someone who’s in pain. We feel we need to treat them gently. And that’s how they can get in your head and do so much damage — e.g., make you feel worried about Z’s future. The odd thing is that the people who were REALLY coerced into giving up their babies — all those teenagers before the 70’s who were locked up and even beaten, for heaven’s sake — are for the most part really happy about the whole open adoption movement. (And even most of them were/are just fine, amazingly.)

I worry about whether my kid will hate me for all kinds of things; I’m sure glad that I’m not bombarded with hateful comments about my choices. I have a hope that pretty soon the whole anti-adoption fad will fade away.

(I sure hope that person at work’s friend cuts her out of her life. That must SUCK, having her keep saying shit like that. It also makes me feel guilty about not feeling able to say, “I had an abortion and it was one of the best choices I’ve ever made!” in public. I need to work on that one.)

Oh and: when people talk about the “trauma” of an infant “mourning” its firstmother, I get crosseyed. Have they never seen babies in the NICU? Babies are blessed: they are blobs who remember none of this.

Best wishes to you and your family.

This is such a tough issue. There is a lot–a whole lot–I don’t write about when it comes to our family’s adoptions. Partly for privacy and partly because of concerns like yours. But it’s a difficult thing to navigate, and I never feel entirely comfortable with where I land.

Great post, btw.

I have stopped talking with people on the internent because of this. We all have enough stress in our life (foster and adoption is not a stress free thing). I have questions, I need support, I want to know others who are out there that have been though what we are going though. We all need support. I believe most people who foster or/and adopt love children and are good people.

Do I live in a fair tale land, or is it just I choose to see the good in people and am trying to make this world a better place for the children. We have the right to our feeling, our worries, fears, hopes, dreams and even to our beliefs. If some one can help me see past my fears thanks. But don’t just tell me there not real, or I’m wrong for feeling the way I do.

One word RESPECT !