Bee-yotch Squared
I’ll admit it. I’ve never really understood or gotten along well with most women. Except for my shoe fetishism, I just don’t have the female hardwiring. I never have.
Evil Mother socialized me in a more gender neutral manner (though there was occasional emphasis on being ladylike…something I never heeded). So all the fawning over fashion mags, giggling and screaming, nice-to-your-face-but-talk-about-you-behind-your-back passive-aggressive crap was never part of my experience. I’d watch the female goings-on with puzzled detachment, wondering whether I was missing activation of my chromosomes. But as I got older, I relished being the weirdo: direct, non-squealing, unafraid, and nonconforming to gender roles (except for the shoes).
But there is one female behavior that I just have no patience for: the alpha girl/woman smiling put down. You know, where the self-proclaimed alpha decides to make the snarky/nasty comment in front of the pack group in order to shame pick on one particular person? I just do not have time for this bitchism. However, even when you think you’re too old for that foolishness (what is this, an episode of Gossip Girl?), somebody goes and tries to start something. Unfortunately for her, I am NOT the run away in shame type.
Yesterday a bunch of my co-workers were eating lunch in the cafeteria. While I was lamenting to the woman across from me the horrors of getting out of my car every day and realizing that it’s a station wagon (ugh!), the skinny sista sitting to my right (and the fact that she is skinny is relevant to the story, I promise) starts saying to the others that though she doesn’t like carbs, the ravioli she had was really good. And this started the others talking about how much they did or did not like carbs, vegetables, fruits and such. Always the instigator, I decided to chime in with, “I really like dessert!”
One of the other women laughed and said, “I agree!” But then Skinny Sista turns to look at me and to look at the cookies on my tray, and says, while shaking her head, “Obviously, you like dessert.”
I was like beeyotch, please! Don’t make me break you in half. The woman across from me was like, damn, what was that about? But Skinny Sista laughed and turned back to her Crackberry. I suppose I was now to hang my head in shame at my fatness and cookies.
Instead I said, “I may be fat, but at least I can read my blackberry without increasing the font so big that only 2 words fit on the damn screen because I’m avoiding bifocals.”
The woman across from me almost choked on her drink. I smiled at Skinny Sista. She smiled at me. Let’s call this one a draw.
A few minutes later she turned back in my direction and made an exaggerated look at my tray, noting that I had finished my cookies.
“Damn!” she exclaimed, shaking her head.
“What?” I replied.
“Just damn!” she said again, waiving her hand over my empty cookie plate.
Oh she wants to play again, does she? I thought to myself. Beeyotch, bring it!
“J, you want some help reading your blackberry? The time says that it’s 1:05. Didn’t you have a 1 o’clock meeting? What’s the matter? Font too small for your old eyes?” I laughed.
“Is that what it says?” she laughed, removing the dagger from her back.
We all gathered our trays and left the table.
“We should all have lunch more often,” she said to the group.
Yeah, I thought, one more comment about my eating and I swear I won’t hold back from going off on your awful-looking store-bought weave you’re passing off as your own. Somewhere in Montana, some poor horse is missing his tail.
Women…they can bring out the worst in a sista.
no. she. did. not. damn! good for you for taking her down a notch (or 7)!
Can you believe the skinny heifer?! She’d better think again before the next time. Don’t let me start in on her hair!
I see your chromosomes were activated just in the nick of time, lol! And I swear, seriously, I pictured the entire scene in my high school cafeteria!
When I was in my Master’s program and doing my student-teaching, my master-teacher was a very fit, very health-conscious woman. I was…not. So I really thought I was doing something one day when I brought a salad for lunch. I opened my container at the table in the teacher’s lounge, and my master-teacher looks in it and says, “I don’t know why people waste time with iceberg lettuce. It has zero nutritional value. You might as well eat water.”
Well, she was right. But damn…did she have to throw me under the bus like that!? I was not the fierce woman that I am now, so what did I do? Nothing. No-thing.
A million years later, we reconnected (master teacher and I) on Facebook. I wanted so badly to give it to her about the Iceberg Incident of ‘94. But alas, I didn’t. So kudos to you for not letting it go.
Now, there is this other female-petty-catty thing I am contemplating…but I’ll have to tell you that one privately…
Meow,
~Deesha
Deesha´s last blog ..Co-Parenting Matters? What are you talking about?
Nah Sis. I think her chromosomes were activated and mine just said, hell no! Or in therapeutic terms, lets respond sharply enough that she will understand this as my setting a boundary, without going too far as to constitute furthering the bitchism. Now had I mentioned the horse missing its tail, that would have crossed into the bitch zone!
God must love me because I read your blog and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Bitchism…love the word and you handled her well!
WTF is wrong with people? She must have a helluva low self esteem to have to do that crap. Good for you Liana. I’m not usually so quick with the comebacks.
kellie´s last blog ..Life in General is Good
Ug, I hate that shit!
TOO FUNNY!!! Good for you…yeah in my 20s, I used to let crap like that go. I mean, I pick my battles but have no qualms about opening cans of “whupass” when I have to and because I liik so much younger than I am, I’m forced to have to carry a disposable can of “whupass” in my purse for emergencies! LOL! Thanks for the morning comic relief!
This is the only thing that worried me about having a daughter, that she’d have to deal with the whole “Mean Girls” crap that apparently doesn’t end just because you are no longer a girl. I seriously cannot believe that this woman kept trying to start something with you, who does that? As a grownup?
I thought I read somewhere once that bullies don’t bully because they have low self esteem but because they actually have high self esteem – overly high opinions of themselves.
Suzanne´s last blog ..Does Jon Hamm like animal crackers?
You know Suz, I think you are right about her. She seems to have no shortage of self-esteem. And I think this self-overestimation is what causes her to act so, uh, inappropriately.
Maybe you guys should have a show – Housewives of Philadelphia anyone? Everybody just wants to be funny, but that kind of bitchery doesn’t work unless you’re competing athletes or good buddies. If this continues, you may want to have a thicker skin or a longer reach to strangle her little scrawny neck.
deathstar´s last blog ..ICLW day
Hey! I wasn’t trying to be bitchy. It was more akin to letting her know that her bitchism would be met in kind. KnowwhatImean?
Omg – I just choked on my water. You are just too funny!
Julie´s last blog ..4 Years ago
Um, i found you today and though this post was made 4 days ago, i would still be laughing my ass off if I read it then. Does this woman not know you? If no, or even if yes, she knows what time it is now I bet. Anyway you are hilarious girl and I am such a fan now.
Wishing4One´s last blog ..Infertility a great new gift for the holidays
Thank you! The funny thing is that girlfriend is still tripping a bit…trying to regain alpha status with me. I’m like, grow the hell up!
What?! That was straight up RUDE. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall so I could have seen you stand up to her. I can’t believe she came back at you again. That is completely rude.
I admit that I am one who is easily shamed so I probably would have shoved my cookies in my purse and slunk away. I’m really glad you didn’t!
I don’t know why she was tripping so hard with me, but I’ve grown past the age of shame and slinking (and you should too!). She’d better recognize who she’s dealing with!
Remind me never to mess with you! At least until I have LASIK.
Thanks for your very thoughtful and supportive comment today. Your words mean a lot to me
Bee-yotch.
Lavender Luz´s last blog ..Moments in Open Adoption Parenting, part 73
Hey, if someone is going to throw it, I will have to respond. Isn’t that the basis of good defense?
And you deserved it. It was really important to point out how what you did was about facilitating true communication and not solely about open adoption. But alas too many are too wrapped up in themselves…like this skinny heifer, for example.