It’s Hard Being An Egalitarian
I don’t know whether or not this is normal, but it seems as if the older I get, the more I struggle with understanding or relating to those of my own sex. Sure, I’ve written about it before. A few times. This is not news. Yet old age and menopause seem to be causing me to lose the dispassionate whatever attitude I’ve had about my differences with many (dare I say most) women throughout my life.
Yes, I consider myself to be a feminist or womanist, yet both those terms often take on different connotations or meanings than the rather simplistic definition I use. Feminism has been defined as everything from women being allowed to make choices to women hating anything that has a penis (or should I say ‘womyn’). However, in my definition, I simply reject the sociological construct of gender, as in gender roles. I believe in parity, in egalitarianism, and no special protections based on sociological gender roles.
This is what I find so problematic about so much of the feminist dialogue today. There is a valid argument for equal pay for equal work, yet in the same breath, there is a desire for certain classes of women to get special consideration or special protections. The most oft mentioned of the special class women is the mother.
Mothers, it is felt, by dint of their being mothers, should get special protections. If they are poor, they should have programs that give them housing, healthcare, childcare, job training, etc. If middle to upper SES, then job protection, flexible work arrangements, or validation for being their child(ren)’s primary full-time caregiver (and yes, I realize the last one isn’t really a protection, but I think you get my drift).
Still I must ask, how egalitarian and truly feminist is that reasoning? Are we equal in some cases but not equal in others? This is what troubles me. And if the answer is that the benefits listed above are not so much for the mother per se, but are actually for the child(ren), then shouldn’t the protections be sought for parents and not for mothers? If we consider ourselves equal, then why bring gender into the equation at all?
Now I don’t put this out there to rag on mothers, parents, feminists or anyone in particular. I offer this as an example of how my brain works a bit differently in this regard. To me egalitarianism means that we don’t split things along gender lines. We’re all just people with different genitalia and physical attributes, but the who of who we are isn’t and shouldn’t be limited by our sociological gender roles. Yet approaching life this way as a woman is a difficult enterprise when our society remains entrenched in these male/female boxes.
Luckily I work in a place that has a large number of non-traditional women (I hate even typing “non-traditional” since it implies that acceptance of sociological gender roles is indeed the norm…I know that it is, but I hate having to recognize that when it goes so against my grain). These are women who have hyphenated their children’s names to reflect both theirs and their husbands, women who work while their husbands are primary caregivers at home and women who with their partners embody the model of equally shared homecare and parenting. They speak up in meetings and can tell you to STFU without any uterine guilt if necessary. It’s about strength, confidence, and the ability to be direct. Yet they also possess the “feminine” traits of warmth, nurturance, and giving.
Last week I watched one, who I will call Bridget, stand onstage in front of 1000 people delivering a message of challenge to one of our competitors. This woman, who is only a few years younger than me, and a mother of four, the youngest a year old, is going through chemo for breast cancer but still pushes through every day rocking one sharp headscarf after another. I’ve seen her on the bad days, the days when she looks like she is two steps away from having it all crashing down. I support her without supporting her, because I know that look…and I know the strength that makes her gut through another day. It doesn’t tolerate what feels like pity or help through weakness. Instead, I walk with her and listen to what she is willing to share. And she talks herself a notch stronger.
Work, cancer, motherhood…yet there she stood in the bright lights throwing down the gauntlet to thunderous applause and a standing ovation. The power, the confidence, the resolve…we should all enjoy these qualities in abundance. Yet Bridget, I’m afraid, is more the exception than the rule in my experience of womynkind.
Instead, more commonly seen is the woman looking for permission to claim her own power. As a perfect example, we have a posting from one of my photography boards from a woman looking for help standing up to her clients. I’ve edited the message for privacy.
I need some advice, and need somebody to pump me up lol to stand up for myself.
I recently started charging for sessions. I feel that I’m at that point but not at the point to charge what other area photographers are charging yet. I am charging a reasonable fee of $60 for a session that lasts an hour and in return as of right now the clients get a CD in return of the images.
There are two ladies that I know and have known for a long time. They are probably 20/21ish now. I know that both of them are flat broke and they have never had nice pictures taken. One of the sisters came to me and asked me what I charged for a family session and I told her $60, but I told her since I’ve known her for so long that I would do it for $40 with the CD. The first sister set a date and then her sister calls me and wants the same deal for her family. I give her the same deal as well. I told BOTH of the sisters that the money was due the day of the shoot. They live an hour away from me. The day of the shoot, I arrive at their house. Neither family is ready, and I even had to dress one of the kids so we could hurry along. When I get there, I was informed that neither had the money that day and that they would pay me the following week. Since I drove an hour, I went ahead and told them that I would do the session but I had to be paid before they got any of the pictures. The shoot was a week ago this past Sunday and I have yet to see any money. As I said before I arrived at 2:30pm, I did not finish with their session until almost 7pm that night. One of the sisters even got some maternity shots out of me (even though that’s a totally separate session) Now she is calling me daily asking me how the pictures are coming along. I keep telling her just fine because I don’t have the backbone to speak up and say “they’re not because you haven’t held up your end of the deal”…she called yesterday and I avoided her phone call.
Since I know this girl, how do I tell her in a firm, but not mean way that she needs to pay me for my service before she can even view her pictures? I just need someone to pump me up so I can tell her how it’s going to be, but need advice on how to do it without seeming like a cold rude snob.
Now I read this and immediately thought better of saying anything. I’ve found that my direct, clear, nontraditional advice seems more often than not, to really throw people off. I’m not one for the “oh that’s a tough one” pat on the back or the ever-present ((((hugs!)))). All I could think to myself is, you need help asking for the money you earned taking those pictures? What’s wrong with this picture?
Unfortunately, this illustrates the difficulty in being the type of egalitarian feminist/womanist that I am. As a woman, I’m supposed to be sympathetic and understanding about this type of thing, but my brain really wants me to say, no one needs to give you permission to stand up for yourself, no matter what genitalia you wear!
Sigh… And the struggle continues.
I think that sometimes women need to hear things bluntly. They need to be thrown off before they consider the alternative…that there is power in speaking up for yourself rather than suffering and being tortured over what to do and how to spare the feelings of those who don’t respect the work you do and the business you run.
I felt a surge of appreciation when I read this: “We’re all just people with different genitalia and physical attributes, but the who of who we are isn’t and shouldn’t be limited by our sociological gender roles. Yet approaching life this way as a woman is a difficult enterprise when our society remains entrenched in these male/female boxes. ”
This surge is partially because I understood what you meant and thought about this recent New York Times article that stated that women who have a chronic illnesses are more likely to be divorced than men with chronic illnesses. What was even more interesting than the article were the responses to it in the comments section.
Let me see if I can find it. Here it is:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/12/men-more-likely-to-leave-spouse-with-cancer/
I think the question isn’t whether women are equal, but if men and women respond equally to the same thing across the board, and if there are cases where someone plain doesn’t want to be equal in actions…meaning a husband who may have been nursed during a (serious or mild) illness by his wife but doesn’t want to deal with or handle her care when she’s sick with cancer.
Some people are resistant to stepping outside of gender roles because they plain dont want to or don’t want the responsibility of failure if they try it and it doesn’t work out the first time.
A woman who asks for permission to speak up doesn’t want to own responsibillity for speaking up because she’s scared of the possible consequences/results. . . but you know that with the woman not wanting to be seen negatively for being a good businesswoman and expecting to be treated with respect in regards to her being compensated for services provided.
Adrienne,
Thanks for your comment. But I think I need to be a little more clear what I mean by equal. In my mind, equal doesn’t mean that we both choose to act or react the same way. Instead, I’m saying that we open the entire gamut of behaviors, emotions, choices, and responses for people of either sex to choose from. No more men don’t cry and women shouldn’t speak up or any other gendered crap. It goes without saying we will all not react the same way…put 10 people in a room and the responses will differ regardless of gender. I’m just saying that we need to get rid of the gender coloring that gets applied.
If a male doesn’t get so much gender socialization to stuff everything inside and a female the socialization to focus on harmony over standing up for herself, maybe the range of who we allow ourselves to be would be infinitely greater.
Hey, Liana,
I’m not aware of any of the kinds of special programs you mention being “mom”-specific. Not saying they don’t exist, but I’m just not aware.
My understanding is that when “women groups” advocate for “working moms”, for example, they are functioning from the position that by and large it’s women that are pulling second shift.
As for the poor, if I’m not mistake, most poor children live in single-female-headed households, and this contributions to the “face” of the poor being that of a mother.
And yet, when it comes to policy, things like Family Medical Leave and Aid to Families with Dependent Children aren’t gender specific and neither are the public programs that come to mind that serve the poor.
I think it’s fine to advocate and agitate and congregate as women, but I don’t think that’s necessarily the same thing as asking for gender-specific policies and entitlement programs.
That said, if there are gender-specific programs, I don’t think they necessarily undermine demand for equal treatment; it could be that the programs are intended to provide relief in areas where women are represented in greater numbers than men. For example, women need job protection from employers who might penalize them for taking maternity leave–men don’t have to worry about this. And yet, again, even the FMLA isn’t gender specific.
**As a woman, I’m supposed to be sympathetic and understanding about this type of thing, but my brain really wants me to say, no one needs to give you permission to stand up for yourself, no matter what genitalia you wear!**
I don’t believe you are supposed to be any more sympathetic and understanding about this just because you’re a woman. I don’t see feminism and egalitarianism are hopelessly incompatible, mostly because I believe both are defined in myriad different ways by those who embrace them.
I would say that it *is* feminist to understand the forces (e.g., gendered socialization) that contribute to the woman’s hesitation to claim her rightful compensation, *and* to want to combat those forces.
I also believe it’s feminist to want to tell her to grow a spine.
That’s MY very broad, very loving definition of feminism.
Deesha´s last blog ..“When Do You Introduce Your Kids to ‘The Next’?”
Deesha,
Thanks for commenting.
Now here is my question. Why is it that women are pulling second shift? From my egalitarian post, what I see are women who seem to claim the home and children as their domain, in addition to their jobs/careers that they have outside the home. They say that they would prefer a more egalitarian distribution of household and parenting responsibilities, yet if the father doesn’t dress the kid to Mom’s standards, she’s not happy. Or if the dishwasher is loaded the “wrong” way, or some other transgression. So what I get from this is that the mother doesn’t really want equally shared parenting/home care. She wants the father to manage home and kids to her specs. And if that does not happen, then she ends up doing the majority (if not all) of the home care.
So my question is why is there no feminist advocacy for equally shared parenting and home care? There is nothing about having two XX chromosomes that makes us better at cleaning toilets. Yet it seems that the goal of the working mom agenda is to advocate for more flexibility for the mother, but nothing for the father. That jangles my equality sense (well I don’t have spidey senses, do I?)
In addition, when I spoke of the agenda for the poor, it is rare that I’ve heard people speak of putting supports in place so that fathers can get housing, job training, and support for his family? When I’ve heard people speak, it is near uniformly about mothers. And yes, I know that the single-female-headed households are the vast majority of AFDC households, yet, even if it is only our semantics, the focus on women/mothers makes parenting issues about gender when in my Bizzaro World, parenting should be about parents and not about gender.
Like parenting leave. If a man wanted to take leave and be the primary caregiver for 6 months, he too would need similar protections for his job. So it is more about the leave itself and the employer’s response to it than the gender of the parent taking the leave, right?
But by the time you’re old like me, you might just want to smack her!
Thanks for your thoughts!
You didn’t mention the age of the photographer, but I am guessing that she is young.
I was quite a bit older (40ish) before I realized I had a backbone and wouldn’t let people take advantage of my kindnesses.
If nothing else, this should teach her that you don’t do business with friends….AND you get at least 1/2 payment up front, with a signed agreement to receive the other 1/2 before the photos are released. If she plans on doing this as a money making business, she needs to have the courage to set the rules.
That’s the thing that kills me. She wants to run a business but she cannot ask for what she is owed.
You areabsolutely right about the phenomena of women wanting more parental participation in child-rearing anf chores, really but wanting husbands to do everything to her specs when he participates in the work of home and childrearing. This is why many women who do this are unhappy and worn out..they do this to themselves.
**Now here is my question. Why is it that women are pulling second shift? From my egalitarian post, what I see are women who seem to claim the home and children as their domain, in addition to their jobs/careers that they have outside the home. They say that they would prefer a more egalitarian distribution of household and parenting responsibilities, yet if the father doesn’t dress the kid to Mom’s standards, she’s not happy. Or if the dishwasher is loaded the “wrong” way, or some other transgression. So what I get from this is that the mother doesn’t really want equally shared parenting/home care. She wants the father to manage home and kids to her specs. And if that does not happen, then she ends up doing the majority (if not all) of the home care.**
Great point! But there are those situations where the men simply do not help out.
Getting divorced certainly eliminated my “…and I want you to do it the way I would do it” blues. Being on his own with the kids meant my ex had the freedom to do things his way…and it also required him to step up in ways he would not when we were married.
**So my question is why is there no feminist advocacy for equally shared parenting and home care?**
I believe there is. I believe it happens in homes, on a micro level, and in women encouraging other women in this direction. I don’t know what it would look like on a macro level. Let’s find out!
I Googled:
feminist parenting shared division of labor
…and here’s some of what I found:
http://divisionoflabor.blogspot.com/2008/08/one-more-reason-people-think-unequal.html
http://divisionoflabor.blogspot.com/2008/08/feminist-motherhood.html
http://www.businessweek.com/careers/workingparents/blog/archives/2007/04/the_elusive_505.html
http://equallysharedparenting.com/blogger.html
Here’s an excerpt from http://family.jrank.org/pages/408/Division-Labor-Contemporary-Divisions-Labor.html which points to the existence of feminist critique of the status quo division of labor:
“However, feminist critiques claim that these theories [that women are predisposed to housework and childcare] have flawed logic and methods, and cite historical and cross-cultural variation to show that divisions of labor are socially constructed (Thorne and Yalom 1992); only women can bear and nurse children, but the gender of the people who cook or clean is neither fixed nor preordained.”
Thorne, B., with Yalom, M. (1992). Rethinking the Family: Some Feminist Questions. New York: Longman.
Again, I think the issue is that there are a diversity of voices that call themselves “feminist”. Some more marginalized or mainstream than others.
**Like parenting leave. If a man wanted to take leave and be the primary caregiver for 6 months, he too would need similar protections for his job. So it is more about the leave itself and the employer’s response to it than the gender of the parent taking the leave, right?**
Yes, and FMLA isn’t gender-specific. How people talk about the issues (as you say, semantics), may be gender-specific, but the policies are not. Perhaps if we changed our language, our attitudes and actions would change? Is that what you find problematic? Totally agree. I was thinking that you were talking about policies. Same for programs for the poor; it’s not that the programs aren’t available to men, but we are less likely to talk about a dad needed such programs to care for his family.
My fiance has 50-50 custody of his daughters. His employer has given him leeway and he’s enjoyed job protections of the type that are typically associated with what women need in terms of child-care issues and such. I read somewhere that men have a harder time than women do asking for and or being granted the protections that are legally available to them when it comes to family leave and flexibility.
Deesha´s last blog ..“When Do You Introduce Your Kids to ‘The Next’?”
But there are those situations where the men simply do not help out.
Again, this choice of wording begs the question…is home care part of both adults’ responsibilities or is the man “helping” the woman? With my husband, I was kinda like, look. There are things that need to be done around the house (and later with the kid). Neither of us want to do them but they have to be done. So what is our strategy going to be? And if you have any idea that it will fall on my shoulders because I have the XX chromosomes, I suggest you think again, since there is nothing in those chromosomes that make me have any affinity for home care.
So I didn’t approach it as if I needed his help. (Because that would make the primary responsibility mine.) I approached it as if this was a problem we had to solve together. And if it required complicated charts and schedules, then so be it, because if I decided instead to own the responsibility, then there would be no way to later attempt to share said responsibility.
Now had he said that he didn’t plan to do anything in the house, I would ask (and ask and ask and go to couple’s therapy and keep asking) what his plan would then be for completing his half of the household responsibilities?
Perhaps if we changed our language, our attitudes and actions would change? Is that what you find problematic? Totally agree. I was thinking that you were talking about policies. Same for programs for the poor; it’s not that the programs aren’t available to men, but we are less likely to talk about a dad needed such programs to care for his family.
This is exactly what I’m getting at. By making the word “parent” or “family” generally equivalent to “mom” we do grave disservice to all of us, both men and women. Attitudes will not start to shift until we begin to frame the dialogue in different language and emotionally give either gender the same access to family choices rather than saying moms are entitled to protections and leaving out fathers.
I’m a big fan of the Equally Shared Parenting site. I think it is eye opening for many couples. Thanks for the dialogue!